


the rock show.

by jigglejun



Category: NCT (Band), We Go Up - NCT Dream (Music Video), Without You - NCT U (Music Video)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Mentioned WayV Ensemble, Punk Rock, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:54:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27168944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jigglejun/pseuds/jigglejun
Summary: The punk rock band Implied Plan decide to hold auditions for a new lead singer. Their fate and Xiaojun’s fate interwind and especially one specific member.
Kudos: 7





	1. one.

**Author's Note:**

> There's a Twitter au version of this fic, there are slight differences but mostly it's the same ship and the same story. So if you want to read it, follow me on Twitter @jigglejun.

“Xiaojun get your ass down here.” My mom yelled from downstairs. I groaned and pulled out my earphones and threw them on the bed. 

I hated her. She hadn’t been the best mother; maybe not the worst, but not anywhere close to a caring and responsible parent that most kids deserved. I know it's not right to hate your mother especially in my position, but what can I do? 

Everything she does makes me hate her even more. She goes out every night and comes back at 6 am dead drunk and I have to carry her to her bedroom so she wouldn't hurt herself. 

“What do you want?” I asked, trying to avoid her gaze. It’s been like this ever since middle school. Ever since I started seeing her for the monster she was. Ever since she started disappearing whenever I needed her most.

"Your dumb ass boyfriend is standing outside," She said blowing out smoke from her mouth, I ignored her comment and walked outside, I never cared about what she said or what she thinks about me or my life or even about my boyfriend. But sometimes I just wish she can play the good mom and sit down with me and my boyfriend and be normal but no she just gotta be a fucking bitch.

“Hey Nate,” I said smiling at the rhyme that never gets old. In front of me stood a handsome boy, with pretty blue eyes, perfect brown hair, and a flawless face.

“Please don’t tell me you forgot?.” He sighed after kissing me and running his fingers through my hair.

“Forgot what?” I asked, I’ve been working tirelessly all week long and I haven’t gotten a break. So if Nate has made any plans with me it would’ve probably flown over my head.

“Oh my god, come on getting dressed grab your guitar and I’ll tell you on the way there.” He said. I smirked and turned back towards my house. One thing I loved about Nate is how dominant he was, it turned me on beyond end. I always considered myself pretty independent but when it came to my relationship, I was pretty submissive.

I hopped in the car and say “Where are we going?” I asked as I threw my acoustic guitar in the backseat. It was a gift from Nate on our first anniversary so it was very special to me. 

“You’re going to audition for a band.” He joked and I laugh as checking myself in the mirror. His sense of humor was always like a dad. But I have gotten used to it by now. And he has fully accepted that I was the funny one in the relationship.

“No, for real where we going? Beach? Park? Or even better Lotte World?” I asked enthusiastically as he sighed and started driving. He looked so hot while he was driving, I could eat him up right there and then. 

“I wasn’t joking, you are going to audition for a band.” He explained as I looked at him really confused. “Also, we went to Lotte World like three days ago.” 

Suddenly I remembered when he first told me about this band audition. He was so excited when he first told me about it like he was the one doing it. He always supported my dream and helped me chase them. 

Nate was already successful. He is a soccer player in Spain. It’s been like this since high school. Like a plan, a rockstar meets a soccer player, an outcast meets the jock, a normal love story, and high school sweethearts.

Winwin’s POV:

“Is the company serious about adding another member to the band?” Yangyang asked as we’re walking into a big empty room. 

After Taehyun left the band with a huge scandal a few months ago. We didn’t have any activities or shows. But now that we’re touring again. We needed a new lead singer. It sucked. Everything about this sucked. But we had no choice.

I mean yes, some of us can sing. Hell, Hendery writes most of our songs and produces them along with Kun. But when the company makes a decision there’s no going back. Especially since the auditions were announced everywhere. Ten our manager, says it’s good publicity for us.

I nod and say “Apparently they are”. The four of us sat down at a table next to our manager and a couple of other people from the company. And soon enough the auditions started and it was no longer a dream, it was real and it was happening whether we liked it or not.

After nine hours of people coming in and auditioning we couldn’t find anyone we liked. Frustration was obvious as well on the company’s people. We were all sick of wannabes trying to impress us with their one-chord songs and middle school poetry.

“Can we all just go home?” Hendery asked, he looked bored and tired. WE WERE ALL.

“No, not yet there’s still one guy.” Ten smiled, he looks tired but still he is not giving up. He was always optimistic but none of us saw a good end to this scenario. Or maybe we just didn’t want an intruder in our band that we formed in high school. I slammed my head on the table and groaned.

Suddenly a sweet, fresh-faced guy with dark hair and sharp eyebrows that defined his face, who was in a black ripped jeans and Nirvana shirt came in with an acoustic guitar.

“Hey I’m Xiaojun, I’m 19 and I’m going to play Jasey Rae by All Time Low” He smiled and started playing on the guitar. I was relieved by finally a good choice of song, maybe there was hope after all.

**_“Lights out, I still hear the rain_ **

_ These images that fill my head _

_ Now keep my fingers from making mistakes _

_ Tell my voice what it takes to speak up, speak up _

_ And keep my conscience clean when I wake _

**_Don’t make this easy_ **

_ I want you to mean it, Jasey _

_ (Say you mean it) _

_ You’re dressed to kill _

_ I’m calling you out _

_ (Don’t waste your time on me) _

**_Now there’s an aching in my back_ **

_ A stabbing pain that says I lack _

_ The common sense and confidence _

_ To bring an end to promises _

_ That I make in times of desperate conversation _

_ Hoping my night could be better than theirs in the end _

_ (Just say when) _

**_Don’t make this easy_ **

_ I want you to mean it, Jasey _

_ (Say you mean it) _

_ You’re dressed to kill _

_ I’m calling you out _

_ (Don’t waste your time on me) _

**_I’ve never told a lie_ **

_ And that makes me a liar _

_ I’ve never made a bet _

_ But we gamble with desire _

_ I’ve never lit a match _

_ With intent to start a fire _

_ But recently the flames are getting out of control _

**_Call me a name, kill me with words_ **

_ Forget about me, it’s what I deserve _

_ I was your chance to get out of this town _

_ But I ditched the car and left you to _

**_Wait outside, I hope the air will serve to remind you_ **

_ That my heart is as cold _

_ As the clouds of you’re breath _

_ And my words are as timed _

_ As the beating in my chest” _

When he finished, the boys and I stared at each other. I didn’t know what was going on in their head but I knew what was going on in mine. Woah…where did that voice come from, his voice sounded so soft but yet has that huskiness to it. If the final decision was up to me, I’d let him join right now.

“Thanks, we’ll be in contact.” Ten said and he picked up his guitar and left the room. As the sound of his footsteps disappeared, and the room filled with silence. “What did you think boys?” he asked

“Are you fucking kidding me? He was amazing” Kun jumped from his seat, almost bursting from excitement. I couldn’t tell whether because he liked the guy so much or because we finally finished. But I’d be betting on the latter.

“Yeah what he just said,” Yangyang said yawning, obviously everyone was tired. And at this point, we just wanted to get it over with.

“I loved his voice, it was amazing and he is better than anyone we’ve seen so far,” I said as I started stretching. I wanted to let the company know our opinion at least. If they’re going to add a person to our band, he needs to be good and we need to consent him first. 

“But we still have tomorrow for the auditions? Right?” Hendery asked, “Yeah and more people are coming.” He was the last one of us who cared about these auditions. Hendery has been through a lot, Taehyun our old lead singer was his best friend and they started the band together and then the rest of us joined. I’m sure seeing what’s happened to his childhood dream with his best friend isn’t easy. But this is our dream and career too. And we’re also his friends, he needs to wake up and regain focus.


	2. two.

“Do you think I made it?” I asked Nate, shaking. Ever since I got back from the auditions, I’ve been pacing back and forth in my room. I thought I did good, but the reactions I got from them told me otherwise. This is why I didn’t want to audition in the first place, I don’t handle rejection well. 

“Trust me you’re gonna make it, just sit down and relax.” He smiled with that comforting smile I’ve grown to love. During the three years we’ve been dating, Nate has been my rock. He always made me feel good about myself and supported me to no ends. Even with everything going on with my mom, he was always there. And helped me take care of her even though he didn’t have to.

"It’s easy for you to say that you are not getting your dreams taken away…" I said finally sitting down on my bed. “You shouldn’t have made me go, I wasn’t ready. I made a fool of myself.”

“You aren’t getting your dreams taken away, so stop thinking about it and relax,” He said as he hugged me and then suddenly jumped from the bed like a baby. “Hey, you know what? we should go get ice cream.”

“No, I don’t feel like eating ice cream right now,” I mumble as I pouted. I would never say no to ice cream but I felt like I didn’t deserve it right now, especially after ruining my audition.

“I wasn't asking,” he said, dragging me out.

We arrived at the ice cream parlor after a few minutes of walking. Once in there, I ordered a coffee heath bar ice cream. And Nate got a strawberry milkshake. Then we sat down in a booth near the window.

"So I need you to promise me something Jun." He said looking straight into my eyes. Nathan was never like this, he sounded serious so it made me concerned.

"What?" I asked, sticking my spoon into my ice cream. Boy, does ice cream change your mood immediately.

"Promise me that you’ll never forget about me…" He said after a big pause and a huge breath. He seemed nervous to say it. I didn’t even get in the band yet, why was he assuming things. But I decided to go along with it.

"Don’t be silly…It’s not like I’m never going to see you again…You’re gonna come visit me on tour and when I have enough money…" I said not looking up and focusing on my ice cream. He grabbed my hand so I looked up.

"Just promise me," He said with a look on his face, I’ve never seen before so I gulped. 

"I promise Nate I’ll never forget you," I leaned across the table and kissed him and it slowly got heated so he pulled away and giggled which turned me on even more.

I was concerned, did he think that fame could get to me? That is if I got in. Didn’t he know me? I knew that nothing in life is constant. He was for me. Nate was constant in my life and I planned to be constant in his life too. I do hope he keeps that in mind. He was my best friend before he was anything else.

\-----

“So they called me back yesterday and they said I have to come today for the final audition,” I said through the phone. I couldn’t believe it when I got the call. I didn’t think I’d make it to be honest. I thought they hated me. But since I got this far, I’m not giving up. 

“What song are you going to sing?” My friend Lucas asked.

Lucas is my childhood best friend but he had to move to London when his parents got divorced when we were in freshman year. I can talk to him about everything. He’s the only person besides Nate who has always had my back. He’s probably my only friend. And at times like this, I wish he wasn’t a thousand miles away.

“Emotionless by Good Charlotte.” I simply answered trying to avoid his gaze from the phone screen. He knew how much I spiritually related to that song.

“Are you sure?” He asked knowing how many times I cried listening to this song. I first heard it when I was 14 years old, right when I found that my mom lied to me about my father’s death. And that he ran out on her when he found out she was pregnant with me. She was trying to protect me, that was probably the only good thing she ever did. But she ruined it by telling me the truth when she was dead drunk.

“Yeah, I mean what the worst could happen?” I laughed trying to ease the situation. “I also want to be as real as possible. I want to show them how serious I am about this and how much music means to me. And that I’d be nothing without music.”

“I’m so glad you’re my friend.” He wiped a fake tear as I laughed. “Listen Jun, seriously I’m so proud of you. No matter what happens okay? Forever baby.”

“I love you Xuxi.” I giggled as I ruffled my hair.

\----------------------------------------------------------

“Are you ready?” Nate asked as he watched me get ready from my bed. He has been with me almost every day lately, it’s going to be hard for me when he has to go back to Spain for the new season.

“I don’t know, am I?" I looked into the mirror looking at my reflection. "I shouldn't be doing this," I whispered enough for him to hear me. I was shaking like a branch on a windy day. I couldn’t even stand straight, how am I supposed to perform in front of one of the best rising rock bands today.

"Yes, you have to do this. This is your fate, this is what we had planned for years now, football player meets the punk rock star, right?” He grabbed me from my shoulder and spoke. “ I love you and you love me, I'll always be there for you when you fall but today isn’t it. Now bring your guitar and get your ass in the car." He raised his voice and I bite my lip. How did he manage to do that to me? He just raises his voice and I turn into a puddle of water.

The car ride was quiet, I was memorizing the notes and lyrics through my head. Even though, I had played this song more than I can count. It was a really special song for me. I hope I can convey that to them today.

"What If I mess up?" I asked when I suddenly forgot a note. He sighed and ignored me.

"No Nate, what if I really mess up? Like forget a line or hit the wrong note or even worst fall in front of them?" I said throwing my head back and I tried to remember all the notes but my mind was blank. I felt like I could cry.

"If you say one more word, I'll go and audition instead of you" He smirked and I suddenly smiled through my teary eyes.

"Ohh no please no" I laughed covering my face.

He sang so awfully so I covered my ears and tried to tune him out. But his voice got louder and I started laughing harder. He really does know how to make me laugh.

Winwin's POV:

Today's the final audition, finally! I'm going to convince the boys to agree on Xiaojun. I have been thinking a lot about his voice and rewatched his audition tape a couple of times, he has the voice of an angel and it’s going to fit perfectly with Hendery’s deep one.

"Who is next?" Yangyang asked Ten nonchalantly. 

"It’s Winwin’s favorite, Xiaou Dejun," he said reading a paper and smirking at me. I have been trying to get Ten to convince the company to choose Xiaojun. They have no reason not to accept him.

Then he came through the door and sat down on the chair and did a little wave.

"So Xiaojun you're going to perform a song for us then we have a couple of questions for you are you okay with that?" Ten asked as I focused. 

He nodded and grabbed his guitar and started singing.

"Hey dad

I'm writing to you

Not to tell you, that I still hate you

Just to ask you

How you feel

And how we fell apart

How this fell apart

Are you happy out there in this great wide world?

Do you think about your sons?

Do you miss your little girl?

When you lay your head down

How do you sleep at night?

Do you ever wonder if we're all right?

But we're all right

We're all right

It's been a long hard road without you by my side

Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried

You broke my mother's heart

You broke your children for life

It's not okay,

But we're alright

I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes

But those were just a long lost memory of mine

I spent so many years learning how to survive

Now, I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still alive

The days I spent so cold, so hungry

Were full of hate

I was so angry

Those scars run deep inside this tattooed body

There's things I'll take, to my grave

But I'm okay

I'm okay

It's been a long hard road without you by my side

Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried

You broke my mother's heart

You broke your children for life

It's not okay,

But we're all right

I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes

But those were just a long lost memory of mine

Now, I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still alive

Yeah, I'm still alive

Sometimes

I forgive

Yeah and this time

I'll admit

That I miss you, said I miss you

It's been a long hard road without you by my side

Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried

You broke my mother's heart

You broke your children for life

It's not okay,

But we're all right

I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes

But those were just a long lost memory of mine

Now, I'm writing just to let you know that we’re still alive

And sometimes

I forgive

And this time

I'll admit, that I miss you, miss you

Hey dad"

He finished the song and there was a tear on his cheek but he wiped it quickly and put the guitar down. I think I was the only one who paid attention to that. Since no one said anything. 

"So can you tell us a little more about yourself?" Ten asked as the rest of the guys scribbled down on their papers. Kun was probably writing music notes he always does that. Yangyang was next to me drawing little bears and flowers. The only two who were paying attention were me and surprisingly Hendery. Maybe, he finally decided to care.

"Well there is not much to know, I'm 19 years old, born in Dongguan China, but moved her to Seoul with my mom when I was 5. I started playing the guitar when I was about seven and I also play the piano and drums too. I don’t want to brag but I also write lyrics too." He said with a laugh at the end.

"Would you like to tell us what kind of music do you listen to? Favorite bands?" Kun asked suddenly out of nowhere which surprised me.

"Well, honestly I listen to everything my music rage from pop to screamo." He laughed nervously. "I could listen to anything as long as I enjoy it and about favorite bands, I'm like super obsessed with All Time Low and Green Day."

"Well that's cool" I nodded. "So tell me why do you want to do this?" It was a question Ten assigned to me, but I wanted to know. Motivations can really define a person. And it differs between one musician to another. And if one is doing it for all the wrong reasons, it could define his career.

"This is going to seem kind of absurd but music saved my life. I didn’t have a good life so far, I mean I’m only 19 what do I know? But It’s been tough and music has been one of the constant things in my life. And I want it to always be. I want to do this for the rest of my life. I want to inspire and help people like I’ve been helped and inspired but some of my favorite bands.” he explained and everyone was finally paying attention to him.

\------------------------------------------------------

A month has gone by since that call and here I am. Walking through Incheon International Airport getting on a plane to Beijing. It's weird leaving Seoul to go back to my real home which brings a lot of bad and good memories. I've never met my father which makes me wonder if he still lives here or has he moved somewhere else.

I shook it off. I’m not going to let him ruin the start of my career lie he ruined my life. I don’t care about him.

“Alright, Xiaojun, call me as soon as you land. Call me every three seconds from then on.” Nate stammered. Ever since I was told by the company that I’m going to join the tour immediately. He has been an emotional mess. It’s always been me sending him off to Spain, and now here he is sending me off. 

“Of course Nate. I love you.” I said enveloping him in a very tight hug. I didn’t want to let go. Nate’s arms meant safety. I felt tears trickle down from his cheek. He didn’t want me to go either. One last hug and I was off. 

Speeding through the large airport. The company booked me the ticket so I was flying first class. I have never traveled by plane. Actually, I have never left South Korea since I got here when I was a kid. But I wasn’t scared, I was excited. Because after this flight, everything is going to change.

I rested my head back as the plane took off. In 3 days, I’m going to be performing my first show with my new band and I’m excited, I have no idea what kind of crowd I’m going to sing in front of or how many solos do I get or where I am playing. I have no idea, the guys are already in Beijing since last week, I hope I get along with them cause I’m probably going to spend the rest of my life with them.

\------------------------------------------------------

As I dragged my suitcase and my eyes traveled across the sea of people, I saw a man in a suit with a top hat, holding my name on a sign. So I headed to the man and told him who I was, he shook my hand and carried my bag for me. I found myself in front of a very expensive-looking car. After a long car ride, the man said. “We are here.”

I saw the arena we’ll be playing at. This is so big, I don’t think I can do it. I was overwhelmed all of a sudden. Another man came up to me and shook me from my daydream. “Hey, you must be Xiaojun.”

“Yes I am,” I said with a shaky voice and he grabbed my hand and shook it furiously. When I slapped myself to reality. I recognized the guy, I saw him at the auditions.

“Well nice to meet you, everyone here has seen the video of your audition you have made quite the name for yourself.” He said and he gestured me to follow him. “My name is Ten. I am your manager from now on. Need anything you come to me. Now follow me inside, there’s a lot of people who want to meet you.” He said enthusiastically.

Everything was happening too fast. I felt like I was on cloud nine. Everything finally clicked for me. Like I didn’t fully recognize how big this is until now. It truly hit me.

We walked past buses and stage crew members going into the back of the arena. Everything was so intimidating. When we finally walked into a room, everyone was sitting down.

“Guys,” Ten said and everyone turned their faces to me. Seeing them up close was so terrifying. I didn’t think I’d get this intimidated.

“Ohh yeah the new guy,” Kun yelled and hug me. And I suddenly relaxed. He seemed nice.

“Welcome to the band, you deserve it Jun,” Yangyang said and I breathed a sigh of relief. I thought they’d hate me. “I can call you that right?” I laughed and nodded. 

After a short chat and a laugh and them getting to know me, Winwin spoke up. “Come here we’re taking pictures with you. We need to introduce you.” 

We all gathered for a picture except Hendery. He seemed rather cold and mean. I do hope he warms up to me, I’d hate it if we didn’t get along. “Hendery get your ass over here!” Winwin yelled at him. He willingly complied after a small groan. Which I found very cute.

After a fifteen-minute selfie session, Winwin, Yangyang, and Kun lead me to a large bus, It was very large, it had a spacious living room, a kitchen, and a row of bunks with six bunks. I was surprised at how big it is.

“I’m taking the bed on top,” I yelled as the boys were walking around.

“Like that’s gonna happen” Suddenly a voice behind me spoke. And it sent shivers down my spine. But I wasn’t going to show them that I was intimidated. I am a member of the band just as they are.

“Who made the rules Hendery?” I asked as I crossed my arms and looked at him. 

“I was here before you,” he said dumbfounded and I raised my eyebrow. The top bunk was empty, it had no one’s stuff. So he didn’t get before me.

“Well, there’s no rule that says the first one to get here gets the bed on top,” I replied as I threw my bad in there and he crossed his eyebrows. Obviously angry, I wasn’t off to a good start. But I had to stand up for myself. I can’t just let them walk over me just because I’m the last one to join the band.

“Hey stop it!” Winwin joined us from the living room. “You can take my bed, Xiaojun.” He gave me a warm smile as he moved my bag to the other top bed. I liked Winwin so far, he was nice enough and he seemed like he wanted me to be in the band, unlike Hendery.

“What are you going to do now?” Yangyang asked as I was putting on my tank top. I was thankful, my stuff got here before me and they were sorted into a closet as well. I guess being in a band does have its perks.

“Sleep probably, I’m so tired.” I didn’t get any sleep on the plane, and I wanted to make up for it before tonight’s rehearsal. I had a lot of things to do, so I needed to be on top of my game so I can show them that I deserve to be here.

“Okay me, Winwin and Kun are going to walk around and then head for dinner,” he added as I groaned. These three guys seemed nice and welcoming, yet they’re leaving me alone with the guy who met me with cold looks and visible dislike.

“Oh no please don’t leave me alone with him.” I laughed and tugged on Yangyang’s sweatshirt.

“Don’t worry he is not gonna kill you, just don’t take his beer, his pizza, or his phone.” Winwin laughed. “Also he needs you, whether he likes it or not, he needs you. So for the most part he isn’t going to kill you.”

“What do you mean for the most part?” I asked and he ignored me and started leaving. “Hey, Winwin! What do you mean for the most part?” He kept laughing and left the bus.

“Hendery be good.” Kun pointed with his index finger as he got out of the bus with the boys.


	3. three.

I put my head on the pillow but I couldn’t sleep because of all of the video game noise, I decided to get up and go ask Hendery to lower the volume. I peaked my head from the living room entrance, but he didn’t notice s I knocked three times on the wooden wall. 

“What?” He said with a full mouth, eyes glued on the screen, not even turning to look at me. I never noticed how broad his shoulders were until now, actually from the back he looked a bit like Nate. I smiled as I remembered my boyfriend.

“What the fuck do you want?” His harsh voice woke me up from my daydream and I glared at him. 

“Can you fucking lower the volume? I’m trying to sleep here.” I said as he looked at me confused. “Volume. Down. English motherfucker do you speak it?” 

“Sorry bud, I can’t play with the volume down.” Hendery shrugged like there was nothing he can do about it and then returned to playing, completely ignoring me. I decided to join him and sit down since there was obviously no sleeping today. I made a mental note to buy earplugs as soon as I can. Because apparently there was going to be a lot of this.

When I sat down, he huffed standing up and moving to the other couch. I just starred at the TV. And we just sat there in silence, I felt Hendery’s eyes on me again. 

“If you stare at me any longer you’ll burn a hole in my back,” I say my eyes meeting his cold eyes. I didn’t get him. Why was he so mean for? I didn’t do anything to him. But it doesn’t matter. Two can play this game. Let’s see how long he can keep it up for.

He looks away focusing on his video game, ignoring me again. I decided to get up and make myself a glass of apple juice with cherries on top. Just like Nate used to make them. Damn, distracting myself from him isn’t going to be easy at all when everything reminds me of him.

I hum to myself as I root around in the cupboard looking for a glass “Finally” I say to myself as I pull a plain clear glass out of the top left. 

I started to hum again walking to the living room again until I collided with someone’s chest, making the apple juice send cold shivers down my spine as it spills all over me. Fucking great!

“Watch where you going!” Hendery spits through gritted teeth. Great, out of everywhere it had to be him. Just my luck.

“I’m sorry” I rushed to clean his shirt.

“Sure you are.” He scoffs making me flush and I immediately stopped in my spot.

“What’s your problem?” I snap. 

“My problem?” He starts raising his voice. “My problem?” he repeats “You just walked into me spilling juice all over me and you that’s what my problem is.” 

“No that’s defiantly not your only problem Hendery.” I finally find the courage to yell and turn my back to him as I head to the closet and removed my tank top.

“What did you say?” he said and pinned me to the wall as I was half-naked. “I fucking hate you.” He was so close to me that I can feel his breath on my face. “Do you think that just cause the guys like you I’ll? Oh, you’re so wrong babe just watch out for me.” He said and walked away.

At this point, I was on the verge of crying. My throat was closing up and I felt like I wanted to go home. I slid against the wall as I started crying. I fucking hate him. I hate him so much. If he plans to get rid of me through verbal and physical abuse, he’s going to try harder. I didn’t travel all this way to go home before the first show. 

I stood up, cleaned myself, and left the bus to walk around and clear my mind.

The first tour show is tonight, we went through soundcheck and everything. The tension rose even more between me and Hendery when Ten told me I get to do 3 guitar solos and one of them was cut from Hendery's and a speech.

We were in the dressing room getting ready and nerves were getting the best of me. “How are you feeling?” Winwin asked me as I paced back and forth and he chillingly played with his drums sticks.

“Isn’t it obvious?” I giggled with a shake in my voice. “Nervous, scared, and feeling like I want to throw up” I laughed trying to calm myself down. He sat me down across him and looked at me with those puppy eyes which were reassuring. But I needed more than that to relax, to be honest.

“I’m going to tell you the story of my first live show…” He started speaking and then looked up like he’s trying to remember. “I got myself so fucking drunk like so drop-dead drunk. Thinking it will help me relax more. But all it did was make me throw up five times on stage. Needless to say, I was kicked out of that band and now I’m in Implied Plan. And it all turned out great in the end so don’t worry about it.”

“I-Is there a moral to the story or did I just completely missed the point there?” I asked confused. “Do you want me to go get drunk or what?”

“No no--” Winwin tried to correct himself but was interrupted by Kun. 

“Oh my god, I can’t believe you told him to get drunk.” He then looked at me and said. “Don’t worry just follow my lead and you’ll be just fine” He reassured me, I nodded.

Only a few seconds until we’re on stage, I just stood there going over the lyrics in my head.

“You ready rock stars?” Ten suddenly crept from behind me which made me more nervous. I was on edge. And no matter how many deep breaths I took, it wasn’t going away.

People wished me good luck as I walked outside the dressing room heading to the stage, Ten, the guys, and even Hendery. I was so nervous that I was almost trembling. I could hear the crowd. As we got on stage Hendery started greeting the crowd and then reciting what management had told him to. Telling them who I was, and explaining why I am here. I could hear some people booing but I didn’t care.

But as soon as we started the show, I was no longer nervous. I was even jamming with Hendery and singing my lungs out. It felt right, it felt like I belonged here. The crowd was so fun too, and they were singing every word to the songs. I hoped every show goes as well as this one. 

After a two hour set, we got off stage drenched in sweat and laughing. I was so happy and satisfied with myself and my band.

“Jun you were awesome.” Kun hugged me I laughed.

“Those guitar solos were sick,” Winwin added. “You were better than me.”

“You only play drums, of course, I’m better than you.” I laughed as he put both his hands over his chest as if he was wounded. “Just joking, you were amazing too. I would’ve been able to pull it off you guys weren’t already that good.

“You rocked it, dude. Good job” Yangyang high-fived me as the sound techs took our guitars.

“Yeah, you were awesome,” Hendery smirked and then started walking in front of us.

“Thanks” I smiled trying not to glare at him. I didn’t want anyone to know what happened between us. I don’t want to create tension and drama. All I want to do is prove myself and earn my spot and I don’t need Hendery to do that.

\-----------

"Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?" Kun asked again, he was telling us jokes since we got on the bus. After the show, we couldn’t sleep from all the adrenaline. So we decided to hang out together in the living room and drink beer.

"Oh no please Kun," Winwin said focusing on his laptop. Yangyang was laying on my lap as I brushed his hair. He was a year younger than me but he seemed like a soft baby. I was getting along with him pretty well. If I had met him before, he would’ve been my best friend. And I’m sure he’s going to be.

"Why?" I asked.

"He had nobody to go with" Kun laughed hysterically alone. His jokes reminded me a lot of Nathan’s. So I didn’t mind them that much no matter how horrible I found them. 

"Please Xiaojun don't ever reply to his jokes, you're only encouraging him" Yangyang sighed as he texting on his phone.

"Fuck you all, I'm fucking hilarious" Kun said and then crossed his arms as if was angry. But his laugh gave him away.

"Okay here's one better guy," Hendery said walking into the living room. “What did the policeman say to his stomach?" He asked, looking excited. 

"You're under a-vest" Kun replied high-fiving Hendery and laughing like a maniac.

"Wow and I was wondering why you guys are still single" I laughed as I started braiding Yangyang’s hair. He has beautiful voluminous hair. And it felt so soft against my fingers.

"Boo, you are rude!" Kun said pouting. 

—————————————

We were going to our next destination, Shanghai. And I was face timing Nate. “You’re coming to the Hangzhou show right?” I asked him.

The soccer season in England is almost starting, and I knew that as soon as it starts he’s not going to be as available as he is out of season. I’ve grown used to it. But I also had to use that to my advantage so I invited him to one show before he leaves for London.

“Yeah, of course, I’m coming.” He said with a huge smile on his face which reassured me. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Okay so do you want to meet my bandmates?” I laughed getting out of my bunk. The guys were already making enough noise in the background. So I thought why not. They’ve wanted to meet him since the first time I talked to them about him.

They were all huddled in the living room playing call of duty as per usual. I connected my MacBook to the TV so everyone can see. And introduced everyone individually. My mouth was dry at the end.

“Hey man what’s up?” Yangyang said putting the controller down.

“Great man what about you guys?”

They started talking and talking nonstop about sports, video games and of course me. I didn’t mind at all seeing them ‘bonding’ but I saw Hendery rush down the kitchen so I followed him. He didn’t see me but he was leaning on the wall closing his eyes like it hurts to look at things. I tried to step toward him but I heard him mumble something I couldn’t make out, I don’t know why he was acting like this. He is not jealous, is he? Why would he be jealous of me? He is still the leader of the band.

“Xiaojun?..” he whispered and I slowly looked up.

“Ohhh sorry, I just wanted to grab a drink,” I said heading to the fridge. 

When I closed the fridge he leaned closer to me “W-What are you doing?” I asked but all questions were eradicated from my mind as I felt his lips press up against mine. I felt a strange sensation in my lips, almost a tingling as I closed my eyes and returned the kiss. As he pulled away from me, I opened my eyes to find him staring directly into them. My mouth had gone dry and as I tried to swallow, I felt fluttering in my stomach as if it was a snow globe that was just shaken.

And he ran down back to the living room, I was still shocked and I couldn’t move. Did that just really happen? 

We wanted to kill each other last week and now he kisses me? What the hell is going through his mind. I have no idea what I just did, my entire body felt like it was ignited. I've never felt like this before. I've never kissed someone like this, not even Nathan. Oh my god, Nate! 

——————

We have been watching RuPaul Drag Race on Netflix all day long. And it was almost 3 am, yet I was determined to at least finish this season.

“I’m tired, I'm going to sleep,” Winwin said and got up from his place next to me and high fived me.

“Night.” I simply said as I rubbed my eyes. I was getting sleepy too.

“Me too goodnight guys.” Kun laughed and then stood up stretched and left to his bed.

“Hendery aren’t you tired yet?” Yangyang yelled from his bunk.

“Naah gonna stay for a while,” He said as he focused on the screen as if it was the most interesting thing he has ever seen in his life.

After everyone went to bed, I was left alone with Hendery again. I wanted to talk to him and get this off my chest. 

“I’m sorry” were the only words I can think of, my heart felt like it would explode any second. 

“Sorry for what?” he laughed, which made me feel more like an idiot.

“For… kissing back” Or for stopping the kiss, I’m not sure if I’m actually sorry for that. I didn’t know what I was sorry for. I wasn’t even sure Hendery was the person who should be apologized for. He should apologize to me, he kissed me first. And I should apologize to Nathan. Oh fuck, Nate.

“Okay?” He smirked as if he couldn’t care less about what I had to say. And he probably didn’t.

“I don’t know why I kissed you back.”Words wouldn’t stop coming out of my mouth. No matter how much I wanted to stop talking. 

“It was just a kiss, Jun.” he laughed mockingly, his words hurt my feelings for some reason not that I care that he didn’t feel what I did. 

What did I feel? I know that I don’t like him in that way. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I fought down how much I wanted it to happen again. It was probably because I was horny. 

Yes, that’s it. I haven’t had sex in a while. That’s exactly why.

“Can we not make a big deal of it then?” I asked. 

“Trust me, I don’t want anyone to know about this either so now stop talking about it. He snapped. Ouch. That kinda stung, no matter how much I tell myself it didn’t. 

“Now you’re back to your old self I see.” It was as if my mouth had a mind on its own. And as much as I wanted it to stop talking, it kept spitting stupidities.

“I never was anyone else babe, don’t think just because one kiss we will have some sort of a bond. Also, don’t flatter yourself. Your kiss was less than average. I’ve been kissed way better than that. So there was nothing to remember really.” 

Ouch again. Better? I can still feel the way his hands gripped on my hair, the way his strong arm was around me, the way he was holding me so close. “You could have stopped,” I said and stood up and headed to my bunk.

———————————————

I was at the Hangzhou International Airport with Winwin. He was honestly so sweet, he offered me to come to pick Nate up. Since I don’t have my license yet.

“Ugh, what’s taking him so long?” I said getting up and looking around, I have been annoying Winwin for the past hour. So if he doesn’t get sick of me after today, I’d know he’s a keeper.

“Relax he is going to be here any second.” Winwin laughed “See?” he said and pointed toward Nate getting out of the arrival gates looking all handsome.

“Nate! Nate! Over here!” I yelled furiously waving my hands.

He smiled and walked towards us. As soon as he was in arms reach, I jumped on him and hugged him so tight.

“I CAN’T BREATH” he joked as he ran his fingers through my hair. I missed that.

“Yeah, I missed you too” I laughed slightly shoving him off. Then stepped back and introduced him. “Oh Nate this is Winwin, Winwin this is Nate.” 

“Nice to finally see you man.” and they shook hands.

As we’re walking to the car, Nate said. “You’ve grown even more beautiful than I remember.” He stopped and cupped my face. I could feel my ears and face turn red. 

I pecked him and spoke. “It’s only been 3 weeks Nate. And you haven't changed a bit.” He kissed my cheek. And we got in the car. We spent the whole car ride talking about how awesome the shows were and how everyone is back home.

The guys were standing outside. Although I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t completely to do with our arrival; it probably had more to do with the screaming fans whose albums, t-shirts, posters they were signing. The car stopped in front of the venue and I opened the door. As Nate and I were walking to the bus to have some privacy time two girls came up to me.

“Hey, Xiaojun? Can we please take a photo?” the blonde one asked. 

“Yeah sure,” I smiled and took pictures with both of them. 

“So how is being in the coolest band ever?” the brunette asked and I laughed. 

“It’s great honestly I’m so grateful I made it into the band, the guys are so fun to be around. And the fans are just incredible.” We talked a bit more and they asked me who Nate was and then left.

———————————

“Oh my god! Nate! Turn it off” I screamed as the worst part of the horror movie came into the screen, I grabbed a pillow and covered my face with it “You know I hate this part” I added muffled by the pillow. 

I threw a different pillow at Nate, only uncovering my eyes to see if I had been successful with my shot. He was sitting on the opposite sofa laughing at me and clutching his stomach “Babe, we’ve watched this film hundreds of times! We never make it past this part.” he laughed.

“Well, I got a better plan than watching movies. I said staring at him. I walked to him and stood between his legs. “The guys won’t be back until later tonight.”

“I do like where this is going.” He smirked and I started unbuttoning his jeans.

—————————

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IMPLIED PLAN.”

I skipped onto the stage and nearly lost my balance, but was able to catch myself and fake it like I didn’t trip. 

“Y’ALL READY” I shouted and walked around as the intro began. I jumped around the stage and faced the audience, I began to play ‘Heartbreak Girl’.

“You call me up, It’s like a broken record saying that your heart hurts that you’d never get over him getting over you and you end up crying and I end up lying, cause I’m just a sucker for anything that you do” 

Yangyang jumped in the air to the beat.

“And when the phone call finally ends You say thanks for being a friend, And I’m going in circles again and again.” I sang.

“You call me up, It’s like a broken record saying that your heart hurts That you’d never get over him getting over you and you end up crying and I end up lying Cause I’m just a sucker for anything that you do and when the phone call finally ends you say thanks for being a friend, And I’m going in circles again and again.” We all sang together, a huge smile appeared on my face when I saw Nate from backstage jumping around and singing along.

I looked at the people in the crowd who were sitting on other people's shoulders, with a smile on my face. I heard the crowd die down as Hendery strummed the guitar, making a muted sound on purpose.

“That was great guys,” Kun exclaimed, picking me up into a big bear hug. 

“Whoa.” I managed to breathe out, he laughed and set me back down on my feet so that he could give Nate a high five. I ran my hand threw my hair and spun around. I gasped when I saw Hendery’s smiling face right behind me.

“Do you mind backing up a little bit?” I asked.

“Am I too close?” he asked with a smirk on his face. Like he was doing this in front of Nate on purpose. 

“As a matter of fact, you are,” I said putting my hands on his chest and pushing him away.

“Hey Hendery, Xiaojun...” Yangyang called our names and we both turned our heads.“Are you guys coming?”

“Oh yeah.” I ran towards Nate and the guys as fast as I could trying to avoid Hendery.

———————

I sat in the living room area of the bus, a cup of coffee in my hand. I woke up earlier than expected, about 9 am, the rest of the boys were still sleeping. I wanted to call Nate before he headed to morning workouts. After he was here with me in Hangzhou, he immediately headed back to London to start preparing for the season. And their new coach didn’t spare them the harsh Bootcamp at all.

“Hey,” I said as my boyfriend’s face appeared on the screen. I took another sip of my coffee, trying to keep my voice low.

“How’re you?” He asked as he was rushing to get to practice.

“I’m fine I just miss waking up next to you,” I confessed biting my lip. 

When we were back home Nate used to sleep at my place all the time because I was always alone, and I hate sleeping alone. 

My mom would go out and drink and never come home until the morning, so he was always there for me. He would come to my house, we would watch movies and talk until I fall asleep. He was always the one who would take my mind off those things and I was thankful I had him.

“Well I miss you too, It’s only a few weeks then you see me again.” He beamed as I smiled at him. 

I felt guilty about Hendery and the kiss. I never cheated before and doing this many years of dating is just fucked up. And the most thing I feel guilty about is how much I wanted to kiss Hendery again, the feeling he gave me was magical and I felt guilty for that. 

“Hey, babe I got to get to practice. I’ll talk to you later, love you.” He blew me a kiss and did a small wave.

“Love you too,” I said before hanging up. 

This whole thing was eating me up inside. And on top of that, I haven’t talked to my mom since the day I left. I wonder how she is doing and who is taking care of her. She has no one except me.

I brought my legs up to my chest and rested my chin on my knees. I let out a long sigh as I thought about my mother. I stared at the pitch-black TV and felt a tear run down my cheek.

“Boo” a voice interrupted my thoughts as I felt someone sit beside me, after a few seconds of silence. He leaned closer to me, his voice softer almost…caring?

“Junnie? Jun are you alright?” I blinked rapidly to stop my watery eyes as I came to my senses and wiped my tears. How could I let Hendery out of all people see me like this? 

“Yeah.” I croaked. “I’m fine.”

“Is it about your mom?” Hendery asked. 

“Why do you care?” I snapped at him trying to move away from him. But the couch was already tiny as it is.

“No one deserves to be hated by their mother.” He answered slowly as if he was unsure of himself. 

“Well, thanks.” I smiled unsure whether that was a compliment or him just comforting me. Either way, I didn’t care.

“You’re welcome.” He patted my back and then it hit me, this is one of our first civilized conversations.

Weird.

————————

I woke up the next day around 10 am and took a shower to clear my head. I got out and left my hair to dry and got dressed. I sat down on the couch, quiet not to wake the others. I opened up my laptop and clicked the little Facetime button, I needed to talk to someone.

I waited and waited and waited and finally, they answered. 

“Hello!” the happy guy appeared on my screen, I laughed. 

“Hey, Xuxi.” I smiled. I haven’t talked to him in a while so I missed him. But I also needed to get some things off my chest. And there was no one better than Lucas.

“What’s up?” He asked. It was a simple question but it was enough for me to start tearing up. I wiped away one tear that fell and Lucas looked concerned.

“Why are you crying? Xiaojun what’s wrong?” He asked over and over again. He was about to jump out of the screen.

“I...I kissed Hendery.” I said quietly.

“Jesus fuck Jun, I thought this was a life or death thing.” He sat down and calmed himself. He breathed as I kept crying silently. “Did you tell Nate?” He asked in a softer tone, I shook my head no as he frowned and I wished he could be here to hug me. 

“Oh Jun, tell me everything.” He said I should’ve told Lucas this story long ago, he is my best friend. I don’t know what I was so scared of.

I told Lucas everything, every detail. This was what I needed, I needed to vent to someone who wasn’t on tour. And Lucas was perfect. 

“Sounds like you’ve had an eventful past few weeks,” he said running his hand through his hair. “Listen Jun, you don’t have to be scared to tell me anything. I’m your best friend, I’ll listen to you and never judge you. I love you.” He smiled. 

“Love you too Xuxi,” I said returning the smile.

“And If you want my opinion, Don’t tell Nate. Why even risk it? A moment of weakness is nothing, we all have them. It was Hendery’s fault for kissing you. And if you find him attractive it’s only natural that you’d go along with it. That being said, make sure nobody else knows.”

I looked down. “I’m scared Lucas,” I said in a small voice.

“Hey don’t be. I’m right here with you every step of the way. I promise I’ll be here supporting you throughout everything.” He said with a serious tone. 

I looked up with a small smirk. “You’re the best friend ever.”

“I try, I try.” He said dusting off his shoulders, I rolled my eyes laughing then we said goodbye and I shut my laptop.

The guys were all still sleeping, so I decided to keep myself busy with writing. 

We are in the beginning stages of a new album. The label wants us to have some things written down by next month. They are hoping to have our next album out by the end of the year.

I grabbed the guitar and sat down trying to come up with something to write.

Hendery’s POV:

I woke up to the sound of someone playing the guitar and humming, I jumped out of my bunk and walked down the hall and the singing kept going. 

“…I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity...” Xiaojun sang.

“What’re you doing?” I asked sitting next to him, rubbing my eyes. Not fully awake.

“Oh, nothing I just was bored.” I took the paper that he tried to hide and read out loud.

_ “ _ **_Something always brings me back to you._ **

**It never takes too long.**

**No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here**

**‘till the moment I’m gone.**

**_You hold me without touch._ **

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love

And not feel your rain.

**_Set me free, leave me be._ **

I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.

But you’re on to me and all over me.”

I felt my throat all dried up and as if I wanted to curl into a ball and cry. But I wasn’t going to do that in front of him. “Did you write this?”

“Yeah. You like it?” He blushed.

I didn’t like it. I loved it but I couldn’t admit it to him. He will hold it against me. “It could use some work.” I simply said and turned my attention to the TV.

Xiaojun’s POV:

Here we go again, the old cocky selfish Hendery Wong. “Is it that hard for you to be nice?” I said and got up heading out the bus.

A few hours later, people were already lined up and I was very pumped, we just finished the soundcheck and I went to hang out with Ten.

“How’re you holding up kid?” He asked, I laid my head on his shoulder “I’m alright.” I lied through my teeth but he was too busy with his phone to notice.

Before I knew it, it was showtime. I stood backstage with Winwin, Kun, Hendery, and Yangyang. I jumped a few times letting the adrenaline pump through my blood. Performing made me so happy and I can only hope this is what I get to do for the rest of my life.

“PINK MONKEY SOCKS” we all yelled at the same time. Yangyang chose it as our chant one night and now he refuses to change it.

I added an extra “Hell yeah” after that. We all ran to the stage as we started playing, I was using my amazing teal guitar tonight, which I only bring out when I’m going through a rough patch and tonight was no exception.

“Hello! How are we doing tonight?” I asked the crowd, I got loud cheers in response and I smiled. “Awesome, we’re Implied Planband this song is called ‘The Rock Show’ hands up everyone!!” I yelled. 

Everyone was jumping and singing along, the smile on my face was one that couldn’t ever get wiped off. It was like I was on stage and all my problems just faded away. And no one can take away my happiness from me.


	4. four.

“We are staying at the hotel tonight guys” Ten announced, we all nodded as we got into the cars that would take us to the hotel. Once we arrived, we all got into our rooms. And just my luck I was rooming with Hendery, thank god we were able to get suits. I don’t exactly hate him but sharing a bed might be a little awkward.

I set my stuff down onto my bed and only unpacked the essentials I’d need for the night, since we were leaving the next morning anyway. I looked a little gross so I freshened up in the bathroom. I changed into a pair of ripped black tights, a black body con skirt, a white tank top, and an open gray button-up shirt over it. I slid a dark grey beanie and then finally put on my doc martins. 

A voice behind me said, “You look pretty.” I turned around and it was Hendery, I looked confused at him and then giggled and turned back to face a mirror.

“Uhm Thanks? I guess.” I laughed, I wasn’t sure if he really meant it or if he was just being an ass as per usual. But I was in a good mood, I wasn’t going to let him ruin it for me. “Are we going out to dinner then?” I asked.

“Yeah, we’re getting sushi. The guys are waiting downstairs.” He announced rummaging through his stuff and getting himself settled. He didn’t ask but I waited for him so we can head out together. I didn’t want it to be awkward between us but it was. And I had to just deal with it.

We all walked down to a sushi restaurant a few blocks away. It was right near the hotel and the boardwalk. 

After we all took our orders, we got to talk. We talked about making the new album and the tour. “So when are you guys thinking of putting out a new song?” Chenle asked. He was the guys’ friend from here. I never met him before until he joined us now. He was much younger than me. But he seemed nice and he offered to pay for our dinner, so that did it for me. 

“Well, actually we’re in the writing process now. It’ll just be a little hard now with the tour going on.” Kun answered for us. He seemed the closest one to him, according to Winwin they apparently knew each other since they were young. And then Kun introduced him to the guys, and that’s how they became friends. 

“Xiaojun is writing a song,” Hendery announced out of nowhere and I choked on my sushi roll. But he handed me a glass of water immediately. “I read the lyrics, they’re really good.” He continued talking after he made sure I was okay. I was quite surprised by his reaction. I didn’t think he liked it when he read the lyrics. But apparently, I was wrong like I always am about everything related to Hendery. 

“What is it called?” Yangyang asked enthusiastically. They were all focused on me like I was about to drop the hottest album of the year. This wasn’t the case, I wasn’t even confident about the song yet. It was very much a draft.

“Hendery is exaggerating.” I smiled as my breath finally settled back down. “It’s still a draft, it doesn’t even have a title.”

“No, no, no.” Kun waved his hands at me. “Hendery never says anything good about anyone else’s song. So when he says something is good, it is good.” I looked over him and he had his head down focusing on one sushi roll. Did he really think my song was good?

We all walked along the boardwalk, stopping at random places and doing fun things. We stopped at a game with the water guns. You had to shoot the water into the clown’s mouth, so Hendery, Winwin, Kun, and I played. I thought I was winning until I saw Hendery’s red light go off first. I slumped down pretending to be sad and Hendery laughed. “Here take this,” he said while handing me a fluffy stuffed unicorn and I laughed. 

“Aww thank you Hendery,” I said taking the prize. 

We all kept walking when we stopped at a T-shirt shop, we all decided to get something from there. I picked out a tank top that said ‘California Dreaming’ on it, I loved it! The boys all got goofy ones and we of course took a lot of pictures.

We decided to start heading back to the hotel then. While walking a group of girls walked over to us. “Oh my gosh, we love your band! Can we get a picture?” she asked nervously. 

I smiled at her “Of course!” I said we got a stranger to take a picture using the girl’s iPhone. I gave her a hug and her friends as well. 

“Can we get a picture with just you and Hendery?” another girl asked, I blushed but looked away. 

“Yeah sure, Come on,” I said walking over to Hendery. 

Winwin took the picture and the girls were all ecstatic. I had slight tears welled up in my eyes, it was just all a little much at the moment. “Thank you so much! We really do love you guys, we’ll be at the show downtown tomorrow!” she said.

“Thank you so much! See you then” Yangyang said waving goodbye.

We continued to walk back and suddenly I felt exhausted. I couldn’t wait to just get in the room and go to sleep. After saying goodnight, Hendery and I went to our room. Since I showered that morning, I just washed my face, brushed my teeth, and got my pajamas on. When I went out I saw Hendery playing on my guitar. “What are you doing?” I asked.

“Oh I was just bored,” he asked and I sat next to him on the couch.

“What were you playing?” I asked, he opened his mouth :

_ “I wanna take you somewhere so you know I care _

_ But it's so cold and I don't know where _

_ I brought you daffodils in a pretty string _

_ But they won't flower like they did last spring _

_ And I wanna kiss you, make you feel alright _

_ I'm just so tired to share my nights _

_ I wanna cry and I wanna love _

_ But all my tears have been used up _

_ On another love, another love _

_ All my tears have been used up _

_ On another love, another love _

_ All my tears have been used up _

_ On another love, another love _

_ All my tears have been used up _

_ And if somebody hurts you, I wanna fight _

_ But my hands been broken, one too many times _

_ So I'll use my voice, I'll be so fucking rude _

_ Words they always win, but I know I'll lose _

_ And I'd sing a song, that'd be just ours _

_ But I sang 'em all to another heart _

_ And I wanna cry I wanna learn to love _

_ But all my tears have been used up _

_ On another love, another love _

_ All my tears have been used up _

_ On another love, another love _

_ All my tears have been used up _

_ On another love, another love _

_ All my tears have been used up _

_ I wanna sing a song, that'd be just ours _

_ But I sang 'em all to another heart _

_ And I wanna cry, I wanna fall in love _

_ But all my tears have been used up _

“Are you crying?” he laughed, yes I was crying I have no idea why. I started crying in the first verse. Music just had that power over me. I’m also a very emotional person, so it didn’t help when he played it even slower.

“I just, I…Hendery,” I said with tears running down my cheeks. He didn’t say anything, he just leaned in and did the unexpected. He kissed me, he pulled me in and I ran my fingers through his hair. He put his hands on the small of my back and I leaned into him more. Suddenly he pulled away and looked me straight in the eyes 

“Hendery..I.” I tried to speak but he interrupted me with another kiss. His lips were wet and hungry, I felt his breath warm on my cheeks, my heart starting to bounce wild in my chest. His lips moved towards my lips, it felt like a feather over my skin. His lips touching mine softly, a tinkling feeling goes through my body. Lips barely touching but still, I felt the softness of it. His tongue gently and barely touched my lips.

Suddenly he stood up “I’m sorry,” he said and left the room, oh my god did this really happened?

I sat down on the bed trying to get my mind off what just happened, I decided to go for a walk.

\---------------------------------------------

I headed back to the room, Hendery hasn’t come back yet. I really wish he comes back soon cause honestly I hate sleeping alone. I laid down on the bed staring at my phone and dialing Nate’s number.

“Hello babe,” he said with his raspy voice. He looked like he was still in bed, I had no idea what time it was over there. Or whether he was in Seoul or London. We barely get to talk lately. 

“Did I wake you?” I questioned as I started getting in bed. 

“Yeah but no problem, you know I will talk to you whenever it doesn’t matter when.” And it hit me, I kissed Hendery. I kissed him back and I wanted to kiss him. What the fuck am I doing? “I miss you so much,” he added. 

“Me too, I can’t wait to see you next week,” I felt a tear slip down my cheek, “Everything around me makes me miss you even more.” I cried. I wanted to tell him what happened, I wanted to say it out loud but I also didn’t want to lose the one person who was always there for me. I’m such an asshole.

“Xiaojun, are you crying?” he laughed, I didn’t say anything hoping he wouldn’t find out. But he knew me too well. “Please don’t cry, If you want I’ll come down now just don’t cry.” he softly said. “I love you, please don’t ever forget that,” I said.

“I love you too, Now stop crying or I’ll come down there and kick your ass.” he laughed, I just loved this the way we acted like best friends, we fight then makeup, how he treats like I’m a king, how much he supported my dreams and how he was the only one with me during all those fights with my mom. And I was stupid enough to let it all go with just one kiss.

“How is the writing process going?” he asked. “Well I wrote a couple of songs but I didn’t show it to the boys yet.” 

We talked for a bit more and then said our goodbyes.

Suddenly an angry Hendery burst through the door. “We need to talk,” he simply said.

I sat up and looked at him confused and scared. Was he going to ask le to leave the band? Was he going to kick me out?

“Okay, I can’t do this anymore. Pretending that I don’t care for you and that I hate you while you’re acting so lovey-dovey with your boyfriend. I just can’t do it. Go ahead. Yell at me, curse at me, laugh at me, call me all the names you want. Do it, disrespect me, no matter what you do you’ll never be able to deny that that kiss didn’t mean anything to you. You might be acting like I’m a piece of shit to you but don’t you dare tell me that just for one fucking minute I didn’t mean anything to you Xiaojun. Don’t you dare tell me that.” he said and stepped forward panting.

I didn't know what to do, I just stood there awkwardly looking at him. Did he expect me to do something? I mean for god sake I have a boyfriend and I actually don't like him that way he is just a friend and we're in the same band so what he was expecting me to do?

"Hendery I'm sorry...I can't." I said trying to walk away. 

"Don't leave...please just don't," he said in a soft voice.

"Why?" I asked. "Why me? I thought you hated me?" 

"No, I don't hate you, Xiaojun…” He said and got closer to me locking me between his body and the wall. I was paralyzed by his eyes. His eyes became watery. “I like you so fucking much.” He tried to smile but failed. Tears starting running down both of our cheeks.

“Every time he is around, I want to just run away. I’m jealous of the way you look at him, the way your eyes shine so bright when you talk about him.” He said crying even harder. 

I lifted my hands, I didn’t know what I was doing. I cupped his face between my hands, then put them down. I grabbed my jacket and headed to the door. “No you stay, I’m leaving,” he said hurt and disappointment in his eyes. I felt bad, the door shut, I threw myself on the bed.

I don’t like Hendery. I tried to convince myself it was true. I didn’t like Hendery, did I?

There was things I liked about him..his sense of humor, his childishness, his touchy-feely tendencies, the way his voice sounded when he woke up in the morning, the way he smelled after he took a shower, the way he always had a way of making everything I say into a fight…his clumsiness, the lopsided way he smiled all the time. The way he called me ‘Dejun’ but there were things I hated too. Like…the fact that he was…the way he. There is gotta be something I hated about Hendery, I mean we are fighting all the time.

Hendery’s POV:

“You..what?” Ten sputtered, his eyes wide. I sighed and rolled my eyes at his expression before sitting down next to him. 

“I like Xiaojun.” Gone was the ‘I think’. Now it was pure confidence. It was an ‘I know’

“You...What?”

“I don’t know how it happened. Maybe it was when we first kissed. Or maybe it was after we agreed not to tell anyone.”

“You WHAT?” He looked at me terrified.

“But I can’t! I can’t like him. What do I do?” I sighed, shaking my head a little bit. 

“Why don’t you want to be with her?” he suddenly asked. It caught me off guard. Out of everyone, I thought he would be the most furious one to hear about this. Yet, he is the first one I am telling.

I looked at him like he was crazy. “Why? Because number one I never fall for anyone, number two he is in my band and finally and most importantly HE HAS A BOYFRIEND.”

——————

Xiaojun’s POV:

The last show of the tour rolled around. And we were going to be in the UK to record our next album, I was so excited. I decided to stay at Lucas’s place after he invited me.

We landed at, Heathrow airport, the boys were staying in an apartment the company rented for us. They kind of wanted me to stay with them but I told them that I really wanted to spend some time with my friend and luckily they understood. 

Hendery was back being cold and ignoring me, I hated it so much when he did this. I wish I can change it, I wish I can change the darkness and sadness in his eyes. I want to grab him and tell him that everything is alright but I’m helpless and I can’t do anything about it.

“Oh my god Xiaojun.” a tall built guy jumped at me from nowhere.

“Xuxi!! Lucas!!” I hugged him and started jumping around like a total maniac. Lucas was like a brother to me, he was always there for me even though he was miles and miles away and I couldn’t wish for a better best friend.

“Can we go now?” Hendery said, rolling his eyes.

“Hmm if it isn’t the famous HenderyWong?” Lucas grinned and folded his arms examining the boys. 

“Guys this is my friend Lucas.” I laughed. “Xuxi, this is Hendery Winwin Kun and Yangyang.” I introduced him.

“Okay guys time to go.” Winwin announced and they started walking.

“Boys, would you like to come over to my flat to get to know you more and have dinner?” Lucas asked and I punched his shoulder.

“Uhm, we don’t want to seem rude though..” Yangyang replied hesitantly as he scratched his head and looked over the guys.

“Oh come on guys! I don’t mind.” He smirked and I knew exactly what was going on in his mind. Lucas didn’t do anything just because he wanted to do it. He always had ulterior motives. 

“Tell them Xiaojun I don’t bite,” Lucas laughed. They started looking at each other and they nod. 

“You all go, I want to get some rest,” Hendery said, obviously uncomfortable by the whole situation. He has been avoiding me since our kiss last week. And it’s been really hard to get him to say a word to me. So, I decided to give up and ignore him too.

“No Hendery you can’t you’re coming, no excuses.” He said. 

“Let him Lucas if he doesn’t want to come it’s his decision,” I said and picked my bag off the floor and started walking. But deep down, I really wanted him to come along with us.

“You know what I think I’m gonna go, a little party never killed anybody right?” He stated as he glared at me. 

After what felt like ages we finally got to Lucas flat. I know it was only for like 30 minutes but it felt like forever since during the whole car ride Lucas tried to tease me about Hendery. 

Hendery was quite too as if he was thinking about something. Once in a while, I would turn my head to look at him and see him looking at me

Lucas POV:

“I’m gonna go change,” Xiaojun said and he left the living room.

There was an awkward silence for a few minutes since we all didn’t know what to say.

“so...” I said examining the boys one by one. The guys seemed nice and interesting, but I wanted to get to know Hendery the most. He’s the one that’s been grabbing Xiaojun’s interest. And that’s a very rare thing to do. 

“soo...” Kun said.

“Sooooooooo” Yangyang added as we starred at each other awkwardly. Until I suddenly felt another pair of eyes on me and I turned to find Winwin looking at me. But he turned away immediately when our eyes met. He is cute. 

“I’m hungry” Hendery announced groaning. “Is there anything here to eat?”

“See boys, I don’t really know how to cook.” I said scratching the back of my neck “But we can order something.” I chuckled grabbing my phone.

“Are you serious right now? You live in a house alone yet you don’t know how to cook anything?” Xiaojun said coming out from the bathroom, all fresh-faced and without makeup. He looked gorgeous if we weren’t both bottoms. I would’ve eaten him up a long time ago.

“Well usually my mom comes here to cook for me or I just go to Nandos,” I replied as I noticed Hendery was giving Xiaojun some very thirsty looks. He liked him, I was sure of it. I smirked at my realization.

“Uhm alright. Well since none of you can cook, I guess I’m cooking.” Xiaojun said rolling up his sleeves and pushing his hair out of his face. 

Xiaojun’s POV:

I finally get into the kitchen and start rummaging through the cupboards. I opened one cupboard and all I saw was boxes of cereal. Every damn brand and every flavor. How is he still alive with this much intake of sugar.

After finally looking through the fridge and the rest of the cupboards, I found the ingredients I needed to make kimchi jjigae. So I started working immediately, I didn’t want to witness what would happen when five hungry guys were all gathered together.

Hendery’s POV:

Lucas was a very chatty guy. He was already getting along with Winwin, it was obvious they were both flirting. I tried to not pay attention to their conversation. Until he spoke loudly. “So who is single and who is available?” 

“None of us is dating, we just trying to focus on the music,” I answered for all of us, and the rest of the guys nodded agreeing with me. It was true, I don’t know about the guys but for me, there was no one worth the hassle. Until Xiaojun. Fuck, here I go again.

“Oh really? And how is that going for you Hendery?” he asked smirking, and I can feel the awkwardness in the atmosphere. I could tell he knew something, Xiaojun probably told him, he’s his best friend after all. I just hope he doesn’t say anything in front of the guys. 

I shrugged and got back to looking at my phone. 

The conversation was avoided easily since Xiaojun invited us to set the table. Lucas and Winwin offered to help as me and the rest of the guys took our seats at the dining table. When the food was set, the room was filled with an amazing smell and for a second I imagined just me and Xiaojun alone in the room. I shook the thought out of my head as we started eating. 

We all finished our food and Xiaojun got up and started picking up our plates and taking them to the kitchen.

“Oh Jun, you don’t have to do that, I can wash the dishes,” Lucas said getting up and cleaning the table.

“No it’s cool I can do it.” Xiaojun smiled broadly and I felt myself melting just from looking at him. This is getting out of control, I needed to learn to restrain myself around him.

“No just let me do it.” Lucas insisted as he started putting the apron on. I smirked, it was an apron filled with pink teddy bears, butterflies and I think I spotted some glitter. It was a funny sight. 

“No, Xuxi seriously I can do it. I don’t mind.” He said. “Besides I don’t trust you with sharp objects and plates” he teased and then leaned in and whispered something in his ear, that I couldn't hear. But Lucas turned as red as a tomato and smiled.

“I know right?” He said back and then thanked him and headed with the guys to the living room.

And I was the only one left with Xiaojun so I joined him in the kitchen. “You should go too I can do it alone,” He said, not even looking at me.

“Come on at least let me help you,” I offered as I removed my jacket and got closer to him.

“Are you sure?” he asked, smirking, “Can you handle some soap?”

“Yeah.” I simply shrugged, “What’s so hard about it?”

“Oh okay fine I wash, you dry, you think you can handle that Mr. Mature?” he teased with a smile, I can never get used to. No matter how much time I spend with him, his smile still gets butterflies in my stomach like the first time I saw him during the auditions.

We started cleaning the dishes and even joking around, I think he totally forgot about that night. Like it didn’t even matter. As much as it bothered me that he was okay, and I was the one being heartbroken and suffering. I was happy he was happy.

“Ow,” I suddenly yelped, bringing my finger closer to my face so I could see it.

“Oh my god, what happened? Are you okay?” He asked, grabbing my hand. I was shocked at the sudden concern in his voice.

“Oh, uhm....yeah, that stupid fork stabbed me.” I whimpered and tried to get closer to him.

“Oh my god, you scared the living shit out of me.” He dropped my hand immediately glaring at me and then threw a slight punch on my shoulder.

“Really? You care about me?” I asked, as he suddenly stopped mid washing a cup.

“Yeah I do, why wouldn’t I?” He shrugged trying to play it cool. If I knew anything about Xiaojun, it’s that he’s a terrible liar. He couldn’t lie to save his ass. He cared about me, I know he does. And more than the platonic kind of care.

He cares about me, I understood that bit but what I couldn’t understand is that why he can’t he just give in. I never felt weaker than when I’m with him, I’m not like this with other people. I’ve never been like this. So why him? Why?

“OW! That really hurt!” I yelled as we sat at the kitchen table.

“Chill babe I just need to apply some pressure so that your finger can stop bleeding,” Xiaojun argued. Did he just call me babe? Oh my god, it can’t be! Maybe it’s normal for him to call someone babe but it sounded so different to me.

By now we were close to each other since Xiaojun was checking my finger. I liked the fact how he was shorter than me so he always kinda had to look up to meet my eyes while I looked down. 

When we finally cleaned up my bleeding finger. He asked. “All better now?”

“Yeah, but it still hurts,” I whined. “You know what would make me feel better?” I asked and stepped forward.

I kissed him harshly, while he stayed frozen in my grasp. I wanted it to be real as the previous ones, but he couldn't join in the fantasy. I wrapped both arms around him, hoping that with time, he'd come around and feel the same way. But I could feel he wasn't buying it.

“Xiaojun?” I whispered as he leaned forward the table. 

“Just stop,” he said, sighing. “Just stop being nice to me, stop trying cause it’s never going to work, we’re not meant to be. Because of you, I can’t even look into my boyfriend’s eyes. I really wish I could trust you even if it means we’re just friends but how could I?...Somethings happen for a reason and….I guess we aren’t meant to be. Look, I like you...I really do but I love Nate…Hendery!” He started stuttering all over the place. It’s like there were a million things in his head wanting to get out at the same time but his mouth wasn’t working fast enough.

“Uhh.. so that’s it?” I said running my fingers through my hair “You’re just gonna give up? I know that I mean something to you Xiaojun I know it...and you too deep down inside you...you know it too, you can’t just ignore the feeling you have whenever you are around me...and neither can I” I said as he started to leave the kitchen. “Just listen to me for one minute.” 

He stopped at his place and looked at me hesitant not knowing whether it was worth it to listen to me. It broke my heart how strongly I felt about him while he obviously didn’t give a shit.

“I know it’s going to be hard...but Nate isn’t right for you. I know trust can’t be given and should be earned so please give me a chance.” I extended my hand for him to hold but he just stared at it with teary eyes. “Please.”

He almost reached for my hand but then backed away. “For god’s sake Jun.” I cursed under my breath then I looked up again and he was gone.


	5. five.

“Do you like him?” Lucas said as we’re laying on his bed. It was almost midnight and the boys had just left. I was looking forward to my alone time with Lucas, I had a lot of things to talk about.

“I don’t know.” I sighed “I don’t want to, whenever I’m around him I feel guilty...but also happy and intrigued.” I got up and crossed my legs. It was obvious we weren’t going to sleep tonight.

“Look I’m not going to lecture you but I’m going to tell you one thing.” He smiled, oh god I know exactly what’s going on in his mind right now. I put my index finger on his mouth. 

“No, no, no! Don’t even think about it” I interrupted him.

“But how else would you now?” he asked.

“No, I’m not going to fuck him to know how I feel about him.” I laughed. No matter how much I wanted to. I wasn’t going to. Nate didn’t deserve that. “You’re stupid and I love you,” I said and hugged him. It’s at times like these, I was thankful I had him as my best friend.

“Yeah, I know.” He smiled and hugged me back. “So you’re going to do it?” He repeated after letting go of me, I grabbed my pillow and hit him with it. 

“No” I simply said and then remembered something so I raised my eyebrow. “By the way, what have you been talking to Winwin about all night?” Winwin wasn’t much of a talker, but tonight he seemed very talkative. 

“Nothing much,” Lucas puckered up and then smirked at me. “He is just taking me out next week.” 

“Shut up!” I opened my mouth in shock. I knew Winwin was exactly Lucas’s type, and my assumption was confirmed during dinner. When Lucas was no longer interested in digging up Hendery for me and instead found a new target.

“See Jun, I’m not like you. If I want something I go get it, okay? You gotta learn to do that more often.” He put both his hands on my shoulders and then smiled at me. “And you obviously want Hendery. Also, it’s called playing the field, if you had done it you wouldn’t have ended up with your high school sweetheart.” 

“That’s not nice!” I pouted. “I love my high school sweetheart.” 

“You don’t love him, sweetie, you’re used to him. There’s a difference.” Lucas stood up heading to light a cigarette. That’s when I knew it’s going to turn into a lecture. Whenever he has a lot to say, he lights up a cigarette. “When was the last time you guys had sex? Okay fuck that, when was the last time you went on a date? A proper actual date?” 

“Xuxi, he’s a professional soccer player and he is in Spain. We can’t see each other a lot. But I see a future with him. I want a future with him.” I explained. 

Lucas laughed and then looked me straight in the eyes so I gulped. “He’s the first guy that saved you from the darkness and pit that is your life. And was a shelter from your mother. You saw safety in him. You needed him, but you don’t anymore, baby. He’s not the knight in shining armor you think you know?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” 

He rubbed between his eyes and sighed. “I’m just telling you what I think, Jun. Sometimes you are so blinded by love. You don’t even see what’s in front of you. Nate can get away with everything according to you. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I won’t, okay?” I reassured. “Nathan is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I know it.” There was a slight whimper in my voice as I said the last sentence and Lucas snickered.

“See? Even your conscience doesn’t believe it. But I won’t pressure you anymore. I’m going to be always with you. Whatever you chose.” He ruffled my hair and then got back in the bed next to me.

As he drifted to sleep, my mind kept going back to what he said over and over again. Was he right? Am I making a mistake? I truly believed that I loved Nate. It’s just Lucas has been very cryptic, I don’t know what to make of it. I decided to head to sleep since I had a long day waiting for me tomorrow.

\--------------------------

The day started out in a way I didn’t quite like.

Nate and I were arguing on the phone about the lack of our conversations these days. Apparently we don’t talk enough and he kept asking me what’s wrong. The problem is I had no explanation.

“Look I’m sorry that we don’t talk enough and I feel bad about it but what can I do? You’re always practicing when I’m free. And I’m always recording when you’re free. What do you want me to do?” I sighed.

“Look Xiaojun, I just want to know what you're doing?” He said softly, it was obvious both of us were getting tired of this conversation and trying to get out of it in any way. “So what’re you doing today?” he giggled.

“I’m going to the studio and then I was thinking..” I stopped for a moment. “I wanna dye my hair.” Lately, it felt like a task talking to him. Like it’s something I have to do. Like it’s something I must do. And he doesn’t make it any easier by all his constant nagging and complaining.

“What color this time?” He joked. I knew that he knew that his questions were as awkward as our conversation.

“I’m still not sure.” I sighed and looked at my leather wristwatch, that was a gift from him a couple of years ago.

“Anything will look gorgeous on you.” I can almost see him smirking. And the thought of it almost brought me joy until he interrupted my thought of him. “I have to go now babe, I have practice.” Damn, I hated nothing more than these words.

“Don’t hurt yourself please,” I begged as a heart-wrenching feeling sat in the pit of my stomach.

“Don’t worry I love you,” He replied, and with that, he hung up. 

I didn’t even get to say  _ ‘I love you too’ _ . It’s just weird to me, everything is weird to me lately, I don’t even know who I am anymore, I’ve changed a lot and I can’t say that I really like it. I sat there debating my own existence until I got a text from the band’s group chat saying there’s going to be in the studio in an hour. So I decided to get up and get ready.

I got to the studio and hung out with Kun until the rest of the boys showed up. Being in the studio was the most fulfilling thing in my day. It took my mind off Nate and even Hendery. I loved making music, it came so natural to me and so easy. Unlike the rest of the things in my life. 

“So guess what?” Yangyang suddenly said, shaking me out of my daydream.

“What?” we all say in unison.

“My sister is getting engaged!” he said excitedly and we all cheered and congratulated him. We all met his sister, she came a couple of times to our shows and she was the sweetest thing and the farthest thing from Yangyang. I even doubted they were related.

I thought it over, I wondered if Nate would ever propose. He did say we’d make terrible parents...but I wonder if his mind has changed. I’d love nothing more than to start a family and be happy. I was afraid before but I guess  _ I’ve changed _ . 

\---------------

“Cause baby we fit together right...” I sang as I saw Winwin smiling from the booth.

I was singing the song Winwin and I wrote together while we were on tour, the song was one of my favorites and it was perfect for  _ me and Nate.  _ I don’t know why I felt weird singing it now. The idea of the song started because of Nate so why was it difficult to imagine him while I was singing it.

After I finished the song, Winwin flashed me a thumbs up. I smiled and stepped out of the studio taking a sip of water.

“Dude I love this song.” I admitted as they played it back for me.

“Me too, your vocals are killer on it!” Kun patted me on the back as I flashed him a smile. I kept drinking water trying to hydrate myself.

The boys decided to head back to the house they were renting after their parts were recorded, they were exhausted and so was I. I waved goodbye at them, It was only 7 pm but it felt like much later.

I opened the door to find Nate hanging out with Lucas and his friend Renjun. I’ve met him before, but we aren’t exactly close.

“Oh my god, babe what’re you doing here?” I ran and jumped over him, but luckily he got me with his strong arms. We were fighting this morning. Why didn’t he mention anything about coming here? 

“I missed my man so I decided to come over and check on you.” He said kissing me and then put me down. “You’re probably exhausted,” he said ruffling my hair.

“Nah, I’m fine, I’m just starving.” I said and the doorbell rang.

“Well you’re lucky, I just got us pizza” Renjun yelled from the front door.

“Oh, thank goodness,” I said.

We all ate and joked around and Nate couldn’t stop kissing me. But every time he did, I remembered Hendery, I don’t know why I felt this way? I’ve never been the cheating type and never been the questioning myself type. I was so confused and out of it. It was starting to look on my face, Nate kept asking me all night if I was okay. And I just said I was tired.

“You’re coming to the game next week right?” he asked, mouth full of pizza crust. I smirked at him and whipped the crumbs on his mouth.

“Is it next week?” I asked. It was an important game and I couldn’t miss it, but I also couldn’t just drop the show I had here in London and leave. I mean he’s always been here for me and helped me chase my dreams and I want to do the same for him cause..he really deserves the best.

“Don’t tell me you’re not coming.” he suddenly stopped chewing and crossed his eyebrows. 

“No no no.” I brushed his beard with my palm. “I’m coming, I promise.” I didn't even know if I could live up to that promise. I have to talk to Ten about it and see if I can take a couple of days off and head to Spain. Even for two or three days. I shoved a slice of pizza into my mouth and asked. “It’s here, in Madrid right?”

Lucas let us stay for the night, so we slid under the covers and he hugged me so tight.

“I missed you, like a lot.” he said as he started getting on top of me and I gulped knowing what’s going to happen. I missed him too and wanted him even more. Maybe, if I had sex with him all my thoughts of Hendery would go away.

I felt his soft lips touch my neck, and a familiar jolt of aching pleasure ripped through my body. I arched my neck up from my pillow, instinctively letting him get a better reach as he nipped at the sensitive skin on my neck.

His face had a suspiciously dark look on it. His dark hair was sexily ruffled as usual and his brown eyes were shining down at me. He leaned in closer and I could feel his intoxicating breath on my lips. I smiled excitedly, longing for the feel of his lips on mine as my eyes fluttered close.

“I miss this” he softly whispered “I miss you, I miss us.” he said and put his forehead next to mine. 

I cupped his face between my hands and kissed him so hard, I missed him so much but I don’t know why when I kissed him Hendery’s image flashed into my mind. I gotta stop thinking about him. 

**_*a month later*_ **

I walked into the studio, two minutes after I was supposed to be there. My late habits were going to get me in trouble one of these days, but I didn’t care. It’s been a hell of a hectic month between writing the album, live shows, and flying back and forth between London and Madrid. I’ve been visiting Nate a lot, and it’s slowly going back to what it used to be like. And I like it just like this.

“Late again Xiaojun!” My manager Ten said, pointing at the clock.

“I know I’m so sorry. I slept in. I’m sorry it won’t happen again.” I said and dropped my bag on the floor. “Looks like I’m not the only one late” I tapped my feet as I scanned the empty studio. There was no one but him. “Where are the others?” 

“I’m here.” Hendery said as he walked through the door, somehow his brown eyes and fluffy hair made my day, somehow I’m getting used to his sent, somehow I’m starting to fall for him… fuck shut up Xiaojun you can’t fall for him you have a boyfriend. 

“You two are the only ones recording today.” Ten said as focusing on his phone.

“Shall we start?” he asked, he managed to make me feel nervous, just by looking me straight in the eyes.

\--------------------

“It’s sounding great.” Ten said behind the booth. “That’s a wrap, guys.”

I left the booth immediately and started grabbing my stuff and checked my phone. I got a text from Lucas.

**_Lucas_ ** _ : Going out with Winwin! Don’t wait up. Sorry xx _

Just another typical Saturday, home alone with pizza and Netflix. Oh, I wonder what Nate is doing now. He is probably at practice looking all sweaty and hot. Damn, I was too horny for my own good.

“Hey!” Those familiar eyes appeared in front of me. 

“Hey,” I said back, folding my arms. 

“Wanna come to my flat? We haven’t hung out in a while.” he said brushing his hair.

“Uhm...I don’t know..” I said looking around trying to avoid his piercing glare. 

“Oh come on I don’t bite.” he said. “And I got pizza,” he said laughing but I hesitated until I finally looked up and said fuck it. 

“You had me at pizza” I laughed grabbing my bag.

Hendery’s POV:

“What are you doing?” I asked sitting down next to him handing him the beer he asked for.

“These are really good Hendery!” He spoke with eyes wide opened and took the drink from my hand, our fingers touching which sent shivers down my spine.

“That’s nothing, Jun.” I said trying to take the journal from his hand but he hid it behind his back and I rolled my eyes.

“Can I ask you something?” He said, taking a sip from his drink, I nodded sighing. He is not letting this go easily. “What didn’t you show us some of the songs you wrote here?” He said pointing at the notebook. 

“Well you know some things aren’t meant to be read, I just write for myself and it’s better to keep it as a little secret” I tried to snatch the journal from him but he already had a tight grip on it.

“Okay please sing me one of those songs, please.” he pleaded and I laughed, shaking my head. “Pleeeease” he pouted, I sighed knowing how weak he makes me. Just one pout and I’m down on my knees. I cursed myself and stood up to grab my guitar.

“Okay, which one?” I asked as he flicked the pages looking for one.

“This one...” I slowly nodded trying to remember the notes. 

“Uhm great choice.” I laughed and started strumming the guitar strings. 

**_‘See I cant wake up, I'm living a nightmare_ **

that keeps playing over again

locked in a room, so hung up on you

and you're cool with just being friends

**_Left on the sidelines, stuck at a red light_ **

waiting for my time, and I can't see

**_Why don't you love me, touch me_ **

Tell me I'm your everything

the air you breathe, and

Why don't you love me, baby

open up your heart tonight

cause I could be all that you need

Why don't you love me?

Why don't you love me’

I stopped for a while getting lost in his eyes and when I was about to continue he started to sing from the journal;

**_‘See I'm just too scared, to tell you the truth_ **

cause my heart can't take any more

broken and bruised, longing for you

and I don't know what I'm waiting for you

**_Left on the sidelines, stuck at a red light_ **

waiting for my time, so just tell me’

Xiaojun’s POV:

I smashed my lips against his and kissed him hard. He lifted up my leg with his hand right under my thigh, and I quickly wrapped my legs around his waist. My hands went around his neck, and he went under the back of my shirt.

Things after that moved pretty fast, he carried me to his bedroom and didn’t stop kissing me, I loved the way his chapped lips felt against my own softer ones. I walked forward, and pushed him into his bed, and stood over him, unbuttoning my jeans and pulling them off. 

I tugged my shirt over my head, I didn’t know what I was doing and I wanted to stop a couple of times but his lips tasted irresistible. I pushed him down onto his neck and went back to his neck licking over the large red mark I made from before. I felt him reach for his pants. I helped him unbutton them, nearly ripping them off his legs and returning to my place on his chest.

He surprised me, flipping us over so he laid on top and slid his body down until he was eye-level with my belly button. He looked up at me with his grey-ish eyes and smirked, he took the waistband of my underwear in his teeth and slowly tugged them down, his beautiful dark hair brushing over my skin and giving me goosebumps he pulled them to my ankles and I kicked them onto the floor with my other clothes, he slithered back and looked me in the eyes “Are you sure about this?” he asked.

I wasn’t sure, I didn’t even know what I was doing and but my body was working against my head and I felt myself nodding “you’re fucking gorgeous” he mumbled. 

It was the last thing he said to me before pulling off his boxers. I watched as he found a condom in his nightstand drawer and put it on, still hovering above me, he looked at me and I blinked with a single nod of my head he proceeded and I could feel his cock inside of me.

He pulled all the way out and back in twice

“Fuck” I stated simply and he just chuckled in a funny way and thrusted inside of me harder than before. I gasped but he didn’t stop, he moved faster and thrusted harder slamming the wooden headboard against the wall. The pleasure built inside me and I wrapped my legs around him allowing him easier access

“Shit.” he moaned, grabbing one of his flat pillows and whipping it off the bed.

I whined “Hendery...” going back to kissing his neck. I sucked on his Adam's apple remembering how much of an effect it had on him.

He groaned and pushed into me harder making thundering noises against the wall with a scream I came, he kept going making me ride out my high, I fell onto the bed breathing heavily as he stopped and took off the condom throwing in the waste bin sitting next to nightstand “Holy shit.” he whispered laying on his side propped up on his elbow.

And with that, I was asleep.

I woke up to the sun shining through a window, I looked around and it’s definitely not my room, where the hell did I fall asleep? Then last night flashed through my mind and I gasped looking around the room for my clothes and bag. I got dressed and took my shoes in my hand. I don’t know where the hell Hendery went but I got to take the chance and leave.

I went down the stairs and when I got to the end of the hallway I stopped. I didn’t know whether I should stay or should I just run away, I heard him humming a song! Oh no, this is bad, this is so bad. Then I decided to go down and face him!

“Good morning.” he said grinning, he was wearing only his black underwear and he looked so sexy in it, I couldn’t resist but stare at him. “You like what you see?” he asked, so I just laughed.

“Do you have a panadol, I can’t stand the head-ache.” I said rubbing my eyes.

“I didn’t know you had a drink last night.” he said, handing me the pills and water, I mumbled thanks and put my head between my hands.

“Hendery about last night...” I said but my phone interrupted me, I started looking everywhere and through my bag.

“Looking for this?” he said, handing me my phone, I nodded and took it from him.

“Hey Nate.” I said and I could see Hendery’s face fall down.

“I just called to check on you, Lucas told me you’re sleeping alone.” Nate said through the phone. 

“Yeah I’m fine, I was just going for a walk in a minute.” I said lying, I felt like such an asshole right now, lying and cheating. What a great boyfriend, I am. I hung up the phone after a short chat.

I sat down on the couch and I saw Hendery’s eyes getting red. “Hendery…I’m sorry.” I said and put my head on his shoulder. “I just fucking can’t, I like you and I really like you like a lot.” I cried.

“But what?” He asked. “But what Dejun?” he yelled.“I want you for me. All of you, only for me, but you can’t cause you got your little boyfriend hanging around you.” He stopped for a while and came in front of me and kneeled.

“Let’s run away together for a while, you and me, forget your boyfriend, forget your mom, forget the band.” He said running his fingers through my hair. “It’s going to come a day and he is going to leave you Xiaojun.” He said and I whipped my face and laughed.

“And you’re not?” I asked, smirking.

“I cross my heart and hope to die.” He said, putting his hands on his chest. “Xiaojun , I used to believe that falling in love was bullshit, then you came, you happened to me Xiaojun and I have a whole new perspective on it now. You came with your childish acts, your love for video games, your passion for music and how good you play guitar and I just couldn’t get you off my mind.” he put his head between my legs as I brushed his hair and we both sobbed silently for a few minutes.

Lucas’s POV:

I was watching TV when I heard the door close, and a pale, tired Xiaojun walked through the door. He threw himself on the couch next to me and leaned his head back.

“Rough night huh?” I asked handing him the cup of coffee and he took it willingly.

“You have no idea.” He sighed, as I waited for him to spill the beans.

“Let me guess, you’ve slept with Hendery” I joked trying to lighten the mood but he glared at me.

“If you know then why are you asking?” 

I jumped from my place, almost knocking us both off the couch. “What? You did? Tell me everything now? How? When? Where?” I said jumping around and yelling. “For christ's sake, Xiaojun speak up.” 

“He’s in love with me.” He turned to me and his eyes were puffy and red. And I knew that the sex talk is going to have to wait so I sat back down and hugged him as he cried.

\---------------------------

Xiaojun’s POV:

“Really? we’re gonna do this right now?” Nate said through the phone, I sigh and closed my eyes leaning against the wall. We’ve gone back to fighting all the time, I stopped taking my little weekend flights to Madrid and he has been complaining about it.

“Nate, I have a job. I’m fucking working.” I yelled. “I can’t just turn up in Madrid whenever you need me. If your team is important to you, so is my band to me.”

“And what a fucking job it is huh?” He said and my jaw dropped. I was getting frustrated and disappointed with each fight. It was like I didn’t even know him anymore. “Baby I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.” he said.

“Well, you said it. So you obviously mean it.” I spoke holding back my tears. “I need to go into the studio now.” I said ignoring his apology. 

“For Christ sake Xiaojun” I could hear him say. “Okay okay I’m sorry, but please promise me you’ll call tonight. We need to talk about this.”

“I can’t promise anything, goodbye.” I said and hung up immediately.

I walked around the room boiling in anger and suddenly found myself dialing my mother’s number, I didn’t talk to her for almost a month and I missed her I guess. I never knew if what I felt for my mom is love or pity. But I didn’t care, all I knew is that I felt that I was responsible for her, and without me, she’d fall apart. That’s why I needed to keep in contact with her, no matter how detrimental it was to my mental health.

“Darling.” she answered with a tone I’ve never heard before so I got confused but I brushed it off. It was probably one of her usual skits.

“Hey, mother.” I smiled, even though she hasn’t been the best mother I couldn’t abandon her. If it wasn’t for my mom I wouldn’t be alive. She got pregnant with me when she was 17, so her parents kicked her out of the house cause she refused abortion. Her boyfriend back then, which is my father that I’ve never met, abandoned her. She left China for me, and she fought for me. But I didn’t know what happened after. Maybe she regretted having me or something.

“How’s your album going?” she asked.

“It’s going great,” I said as I tried to come up with something to say.

“I miss you Xiaojun.” she laughed but even though I can’t see her, I feel her tears slipping on her cheeks.

“Mom can I ask you something?” I said, whipping my own tears. “Did you ever regret being with my father?”

“You know what Xiaojun? No, not a single time, cause if I hadn’t been with your father I wouldn’t have had you.” she said. “I know that I haven’t been the best mother but I’m trying so give me a chance.

“Mom, come and visit me please, I could use your help right now,” I said.

“Yeah sure, I need to go now baby we’ll talk later bye.” she said and with that, I hung up.

“You okay there babe?” Hendery said walking in.

I groaned and ran my fingers through my hair. “I’m just tired,” I said walking towards him.

“Doesn’t seem like it, did you fight with Nate?” he asked.

“It doesn’t matter now.” I said walking towards the door.

\---------------------------

“I got you something.” He said as I put my pants on. 

Ever since Hendery and I slept together for the first time, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other after that. I stopped feeling guilty a long time ago and I started feeling happier with every second that passed with him.

“Really? What?” I asked, tying my converse. Every now and then, I’d stay over after we fucked and we’d watch a movie or just hang out. But today, I promised Nathan to meet him up since he was in town.

“First close your eyes.” he said, smirking. He looked way too excited about which sent shivers down my spine. I loved his lopsided smile and the way his eyes twitched whenever he was excited about something. It was cute.

“Oh no I hate surprises.” I laughed.

“Just close your eyes and shut up, you’ll love it.” He ordered so I bit my lip and I obeyed.

“Open them now” he said.

“I swear to god Hendery if it’s something scary I’m going to kill you.” I said. 

“Just open and you’ll see” he chuckled.

When I opened my eyes I saw Hendery holding a black Gibson guitar and I was speechless when I saw my name carved on it “Hendery.” I breathed, staring at it. It was too beautiful, no one has ever given me a gift this beautiful.

“Come on take it, it's yours.” he pushed it into my lap and I took it from his hands and played a little tune on it then put it down and kissed him. I was overwhelmed, I didn’t think that this was even real. My thoughts and my body were moving way too fast than my body could happen.

“You’re the best boyfriend ever.” I spoke and it took me a few seconds to realize what I just said and he started staring at me amazed. I don’t know how I said it, it just came out and I knew that he was going to take it seriously and end up being hurt.

I didn’t want to take it back but I did at the same time, I saw the hurt in his eyes.

Hendery put me down when he heard his phone ringing. I felt his body tense and his gaze shifts anywhere but me. And what made it worse is that tomorrow, Nate has invited all the boys over for dinner. I needed a hard drink right about now.

“Ten is coming here, you should leave,” He started getting up and putting his boxers on. He didn’t even take a single look at me. He just kept his eyes glued to the ground.

“Yeah right.” I nodded and grabbed the guitar and my jacket and headed to Hendery for a kiss but he turned his face away. “Guanhang…” 

“I’m gonna take a nap before Ten comes.” He threw himself on the bed and wrapped himself with the blanket before I could say another word. I hated it when he refused to talk about things, but I decided to respect his space after walking around the room for a bit. 

I headed out the door carrying my bag and shirt in my hand when I heard the door open, and in front of me, there was a surprised Ten. “Xiaojun? What are you doing here?” he asked, surprised. I haven’t seen him for a while. 

“I was…just.” I said mumbling and looking around hoping that Hendery would come. We’ve been doing so well hiding it, I didn’t want to ruin it now. 

“Oh for fuck sake, Hendery.” Ten shouted and passed me running to the bedroom. He figured it out without me having to say anything. I guess he had guesses before, but now seeing me leave Hendery’s bedroom half naked. It just clicked.

Winwin’s POV:

“So for how long has this been going?” I asked sitting in front of them, I had my doubts but I thought it was just my paranoia. But seeing hickeys on Xiaojun’s neck when his boyfriend was miles away made me doubt it. And seeing them finally and out of a sudden, getting along and going and leaving together. I should’ve known earlier. 

“About 4 or 3 months?” Hendery said, looking at Xiaojun like he was asking for confirmation from him. I knew he was a player but I didn’t know he’d do this…whatever it is with Xiaojun.

“Look Ten, please just don’t tell anyone. I can’t tell you that this is a one-time thing cause it’s not and I can’t tell you that I’m doing it just for fun cause I’m not.” Xiaojun said looking at Hendery and holding his hand.

“All I’m trying to say here is; just give me some time to figure this whole thing out please.” Xiaojun pleaded and I felt a tug in my heart.I always knew he was an honest guy, but I literally felt the pain in his voice and it scared me.

“Okay here’s the deal, Hendery goes back to Beijing until you figure it out and you stay here, and if you did figure it out and it’s love. You have to break up with Nate, it’s not fair for the guy.” I said getting up and I sighed. “And Xiaojun you have only 2 weeks until the tour starts again” and with that, I left.

This whole situation is fucked up as it is, and if the company gets wind of it we’ll be more fucked. 

  
  



	6. six.

“Hey, there kiddo...” My mom walked into the room and sat next to me.

Ever since everything blew to shit, I told her about what happened and she decided to stay with me until the tour starts again. The problem is that I missed Hendery, I missed him so much. As hard as it is for me to admit this but I wanted him to be back here next to me, I wanted him to kiss my forehead and tell me that he will never let me go and I wanted him to play with my hair as he sang me to sleep. 

“Nate just called and I told him that you were sleeping,” She said as she handed me my phone again. I’ve been avoiding every phonecall possible. I didn’t know if Ten has told the rest of the band or not. But I didn’t want to find out, I didn’t talk or speak to anyone. I just wanted everything to go back to normal.

“Mom, can you love two people at the same time?” I asked her, putting the guitar I was playing with down. With everything my mom and I have been through, I still loved her. And I guess with her decision to get sober and me going through this whole thing with Hendery and Nate. Being here together was helping both of us.

“Xiaojun, there is a difference between loving someone and falling in love with someone,” She pushed my hair out of my face and looked me straight in the eyes. “I only fell in love once in my life and as much as I’m thankful for you baby, it did ruin my life. I lost my parents, my friends, and my career.” 

“But you had me?” I asked as she was smiling at me. 

“But I had you, and I guess you can look at it from my perspective. Falling in love isn’t that bad if you’re ready to make the right sacrifices.” She breathed and then stood up. “I fell in love with your father, but he wasn’t worth it. I just hope the day you fall in love with someone. He’s going to be worth it.” 

She started picking up all the empty mugs from my room and the dirty tissues lying around. I haven’t left my room in a while, so it was a dumpster and I was glad she was around being helpful, understanding, and nonjudgmental. 

Hendery’s POV:

“Did you talk to him?” Yangyang asked through the phone. 

It’s been a few days since I got back to Beijing, and I was a mess. Ten out of everyone finding out about me and Xiaojun was the worst-case scenario. And of course, he told everyone in the band. I’m just hoping he didn’t tell the company. I liked Xiaoju, a lot. Probably more than I should, but I didn’t want to risk his new career nor mine. We worked way too hard for this, and we both deserve better. Even if it means not each other.

“No, I didn’t have the guts to,” I said sipping my coffee, I haven’t talked to him ever since that day. I knew he probably needed me to the most right now. But I had to give him space, and try to protect him from whatever this is. 

“We went to the studio the other day, he was there with his mom,” Yangyang explained and I gulped. I didn’t want to talk about this, nor did I want to hear about it from my members. “He’s good by the way if you’re going to ask. What about you? How are you holding up?”

I sighed, I was already over this conversation. “I’m good, Crystal is keeping me busy. I’ve been helping around a bit with her business. But you know her, she can be a pain in the ass.” My sister is a boss in all the literal meanings of the word. And she loved bossing me around, I was trying to distract myself as well. So it wasn’t that bad.

“I heard that,” Crystal said from the back as she walked towards me and handed me a glass of wine. She kept starring at me as soon as I hung up the phone. I haven’t told her yet why I was here, nor why I have been so bumped out. And I knew sooner or late, she was going to ask about it no matter how much she respected my privacy. It was  _ the sister _ in her.

“So, are you ready to tell me now?” She asked and I sighed. 

“I fucked up Crystal. Not like ‘passed out and fucked your friend’ fucked up. This is big fucked up.” I explained rubbing my eyes. “I just...I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything I touch falls and crumbles.” 

She leaned towards me and giggled. “You’re talking like you just fucked one of your bandmates.” And my whole body stiffened and I stood up looking at her seriously. “You didn’t right?” 

“It’s not what you think okay?” I spoke up trying to explain myself. “It’s Xiaojun…”

“Hendery! Doesn’t he have a boyfriend?” She asked almost yelling, but she had every right to be. I fucked up big time, and it’s downing on me only now. Maybe I just had time to process all of it. 

“Yes, he does.” I sighed and threw myself on the couch. I hated thinking that I did that, and I hated the fact that I didn’t just think of Xiaojun as a piece of meat. I actually liked him. Fuck. “I like him, Crystal. Like really really like him. Maybe even, l-love him. I’m not sure.” 

“Woah.” She said putting her glass down and getting closer to me. “Hendery, this is big. Are you sure about it?” I wasn’t. Or maybe I was, and I was just scared to admit it out loud. I didn’t answer her, because I knew she could read me so well. And I wasn’t willing to stand here right now and be lectured about love. 

“Hendery...if you love him, you gotta tell him.” Crystal said and I turned to her. Gosh, I wish I saw the world through her rose-colored glasses. Everything was super easy for her. “Ever since you came here, you’ve been nothing but miserable. I could tell, but I didn’t want to pressure you. I saw you burying yourself in anything trying to distract yourself but I thought it was just another creativity slump. I didn’t think it was this deep.” 

“It’s not that deep, Crystal.” I glared at her. “I’m just worried about him and his career. He didn’t even finish her first year yet. A-and of course...I’m worried about myself.” 

“You’re such a liar.” She smirked and sat back. “You care about him. Like a lot.” 

“That doesn’t matter now, all that matters is that we all move past this. I just hope Ten drops this when we get back to touring.” I explained the whole situation to her and how Ten caught us. It sounded wrong, it sounded so weird. But I wanted everything to go back to normal.

Xiaojun’s POV:

“Have you thought about what you’re going to do?” Lucas asked me through the phone. I haven’t seen him in a while since he has been traveling back and forth and he is always busy working. 

I hesitated at first if I wanted to tell him this or not, but I decided to just do. “I’m meeting with Nathan later on,” I looked down because I knew he would just be upset about this. 

“Xiaojun why?” He whined and I just sighed. “Like, just pick up the goddamn phone and call Hendery. You like him, don’t you?”

“I-I don’t know Xuxi, I really don’t. I don’t want to make any rash decisions.” I spoke but deep down I knew that I was sure about how I feel. But feelings aren’t always good, feelings get you hurt and ruin your life. I didn’t want that to happen to me. “But, Nate...Nathan is good for me. We’re good together.” 

“Xiaojun! He cheated on you.” Lucas yelled and I gapped. “He has been cheating on you ever since high school and I don’t know if you choose to ignore it or you’re that in love with him. But you deciding to put up with that even after finding someone you like and who by the way likes you, is just beyond me.”

A tear slipped from my eye, as memories I’ve been trying to keep hidden resurfaced. “I’m sorry Jun…” I heard him say before I wiped my tears. Of course, I knew, I always knew. But I always said, he comes back to me. That’s good. 

I tried to lighten up the mood after a long silence. “I guess we’re even now, huh?” I giggled as my heart clenched. Lucas gave me that look that I hated. That same old look of pity and sorrow. I didn’t want him to pity me or feel sorry for me. 

“Jun…” 

“Listen, I need to go now. I’m heading to the studio soon.” I explained as I started standing up. “I’ll talk to you soon.

“Okay, just text me if you need anything.” As soon as he hung up, I burst into tears and threw myself on my bed. It hurt that I wasn’t enough for anyone. But what hurt me the most is that I liked Hendery and he was nowhere to be around. He didn’t even bother to call or text since he left for Beijing. I guess I was really just a piece of meat for him. 

I wanted to talk to him, but I don’t think I have the strength for that. All I knew is that I needed to talk to Nathan first. So I grabbed my phone and texted him if we could meet up. He told me he was going out with his friends today since he just got back. But this was no waiting matter. He texted back he was coming over after a few minutes of me trying to convince him with tears in my eyes. 

When he showed up, my mom opened the door for him and I could hear him from my room chatting with her before heading to my room. My heart was about to jump out of my chest as I walked around the room back and forth, trying to calm myself down.

“Hey, there beautiful!” I looked up as I heard the voice that never gets old. I was scared of how much I was used to him. I smiled at him as he walked towards me and wrapped his arms around my waist. He looked me in the eyes with that same old look and pressed his lips against mine. 

He apparently had something else in his mind, as his hands reached for my belt and I stopped. “That’s not what I called you here for.” I breathed as I pushed him back with my hands. 

“You didn’t call me to have sex? I thought that was the emergency.” He looked dumbfounded as I stepped back and bit my lip. 

“You thought the emergency was us having sex?” I question as he nodded furiously. Gosh. I sighed and then decided to speak. “It’s best if we both sit down for this.” 

And  before I could get anything out of my mouth, his phone started vibrating and he looked like he wanted to answer it. “Excuse me, babe, I need to take this.” he kissed my lips and went into the bathroom.

Jesus Christ, I throw myself on the bed. He could’ve ignored the call, I sat there and my mind started wandering again to Hendery. I wondered what he was doing, if he’s doing good, if he’s been thinking about me at all and why he wouldn’t even pick up the phone to ask about me. 

Maybe he needs some space, this would be overwhelming for anyone after all. ‘ _ No, Xiaojun, stop making excuses for people. If he really likes you like you think he does, he would’ve at least texted you. It isn’t that hard.’ _

“You okay there babe?” Nate walked out of the bathroom, snapping me out of my thoughts. So I sat up and looked at him.

“Yeah I’m fine, who were you talking to?” I asked nonchalantly. I didn’t care, nor did I want to know. But I just asked so he wouldn’t notice anything weird about me. 

“Uhm, oh it was...Brad my teammate, he wanted to know how I was doing,” he said and I just nodded. “So, what was the emergency that you wanted to talk about?” He asked air-quoting the emergency. I rolled my eyes and then acted on an impulse. 

I grabbed him by the collar and smashed our lips together, pulling him into my bed. All the talk, I was preparing before he showed up disappeared. I didn’t want to talk anymore. And I didn’t want to explain myself or find excuses for other people’s behavior. And I’m sure as hell not going to wait around here for prince charming to come around to pick me up on his white horse.

\---------------------------------------

"Purple? really Xiaojun really?” Kun asked as I walked into rehearsals. I shoved my hair in his face as he laughed and pushed me away. I dyed my hair yesterday after I broke down crying in my bath. In hindsight, I probably did it so I can feel in control again or probably try to impress Hendery and get him to talk to me. 

Yangyang told me that he got to Seoul, a few days ago, yet he didn’t even bother to come over or call. He’s ignoring me and pretending as nothing has happened and I’m going insane over it. “Where are the others?” I asked.

“They are grabbing coffee.” He answered as he scanned me from head to toe. “You look different...Thinner.” He walked closer to me and I just stared dumbfounded. What was this all about? 

“Yeah, I lost a couple of pounds.” I ruffled my hair as I started plugging my guitar and he just stood there crossed arms staring at me. “Can you not? It’s not like I was starving myself.”

“I’m just worried.” He shrugged. “We have a tour coming up, you gotta bulk up before it. You’re going to need every pound.” He had a point, if I learned anything about touring, it’s that it’s very draining both physically and mentally. 

He walked back over to his keyboard as the guys walked in. And they all stopped on their track when they saw me. My eyes glued on one specific guy, as they all scattered to their instruments. “Your hair looks good Jun.” Winwin passed by me and ruffled my hair which snapped me out of my daydream. I gave him a weak smile and looked down again on my guitar.

“Let’s start with  _ ‘He wasn’t’ _ ,” I spoke into the microphone as the boys got hold of their instruments. I kept watching Hendery from the corner of my eyes fiddle with his drum sticks and I don’t know what it was about it, that made me want to scream in his face. I took a couple of breaths and decided to direct that anger in my performance. I mean I always performed best when I was angry. 

I strummed the first chord which surprised everyone and I waited for them to catch up. Soon enough, Winwin joined me on the guitar and Hendery on the drums. I stopped strumming on the guitar and grabbed the microphone closer to my mouth and sang:

**_“_ ** **_He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no_ **

**_He wouldn't even open up the door_ **

**_He never made me feel like I was special_ **

**_He isn't really what I'm looking for”_ **

It’s been a few days of hard practice and getting ready for the tour, and tonight we had the first show in Seoul. I was kind of nervous because my mom was going to see me perform for the first time. Hendery and I, we haven’t been the same ever since. We’ve been ignoring everything that has happened, it’s like we were back to the starting point. I couldn’t tell if I liked it or not, to be honest. 

Nate wasn’t around very much, and we talked once in a while. It didn’t feel like a relationship anymore. But I was enjoying my alone time with myself and my mom. Maybe it was for the better that I got some time off from guys.

After finishing our last practice, I started walking around the arena we’re playing. It's only a few hours until the show. I didn’t think I would get nervous. But here I am. I was actually happy with everything that’s been happening with the band. We finished our album and it’s coming out very soon. Our tour was sold out in Europe and North America. I was happy with that. 

But I wasn’t really happy. I was lonely and sadly most of the time and it bothered me that I had to ruin such a career milestone for myself by being an emotional ass. 

Suddenly someone pushed me into a door and started kissing me, I knew it was Hendery from his smelt so I started kissing back, the kiss grew more passionate. I was hungry for his lips, god how I missed this. “I missed you so much” He spoke and I suddenly realized what was going on so I pushed him back and slapped him. “Oh, so we're doing role play now?” He smirked which irritated me even more.

“You’re such an asshole. You know that right?” I wanted to slam his face to the wall, but I didn’t think that would resolve anything so instead, I dug my nails into my head trying not to snap.

“You’re mad at me?” he asked confused and I rolled my eyes. Gosh, I really wanted to kill him right now.

“Uhm let me think about it,” I said looking up. “You ghost me for almost three weeks and never bother to even ask how I was doing. And to top that, when we finally see each other because we work together, no thanks to you, you completely ignore me for a whole week and now you ask if I’m mad or not?” I let out a breath with the last word as he looked at me with a different look now.

“Listen…” He was about to speak up but I cut him off rubbing my eyes.

“And the funny thing, I thought I meant something to you. Gosh, I thought I finally found someone who is going to be worth it.” I laughed at how ridiculous I sounded as a sudden tear slipped from his eye.

“Xiaojun, please…” He grabbed my hand and I let because I was taken off guard with how perplexed and sad he looked. “I’ll explain everything okay? Just give me a chance.” I just looked at him, not being able to utter a single word. “Tonight, after the show, let’s go out together?”

“G-go out?” I hesitated, I didn’t know what he meant by that. We’ve never been out alone together before. 

“Yeah, like on an actual proper date. Let me explain myself and you can actually judge if you want us to go on or stop. It’s all your choice.” Hendery explained as I felt butterflies in my stomach. I always imagined him asking me out, but I never actually thought it was going to have this much effect on me. 

“Okay.” I finally breathed out and he gave me a huge smile that set fire in my cheeks. He planted a kiss on my cheek and then my lip, which I returned. He gave me a wink before leaving the room, and I sat there for a couple of minutes trying to comprehend what just happened.

\---------------

“Okay, guys you ready?” Ten asked heading toward us. “Kill it boys!” he laughed and pushed up to the stage. I walked in waving and jumping with the boys, each one took his instrument and stared for a moment enjoying the view. “Hello guys, How’re we doing tonight?” I asked and got cheers in return.

“That’s what I thought” I laughed strumming a couple of chords before starting. “Well We’re Implied Plan and this is **_‘Hit or Miss’_** ,” I said and started playing on my guitar and jumping around and walking around the stage.

“Are you all enjoying yourself here?” Winwin asked after a couple more songs, I was already drenched in sweat and thirsty. “Well, a while back we were in London writing songs and recording our album. So tonight, we want to introduce two new songs written by our singer and drummer.” Winwin yelled and got a lot of cheers back. “Come one Xiaojun, Hendery talk to us about the song.” He smirked as I grabbed a bottle of water and turned to Hendery.

“We actually wrote this while we were fighting.” Hendery announced laughing. “and Xiaojun beat the shit out of me, so we can get it right. Fortunately, we did.” he said looking in my direction. I could feel the butterflies again in my stomach.

“For my defense, you were drunk that night,” I responded, making everyone laugh. And when the laughter died down a bit, I got serious. “I was in a weird place at the time with my life & relationships… I think you can perceive the meaning of this song however you like, my perception is that it's about the person who you can't help but have an attraction towards.” I said and immediately got loud cheers from the crowd, I started to play on my guitar and singing: 

**_“Don't talk, let me think it over_ **

**_How are we gonna fix this?_ **

**_How are we gonna undo all the pain?_ **

**_Tell me, is it even worth it?_ **

**_Looking for a straight line_ **

**_Taking back the time we can't replace”_ **

I strummed my guitar and looked back at Hendery who was effortlessly playing the drums and giving me a smirk, so I continued singing:

**_“All the crossed wires,_ **

**_Just making us tired_ **

**_Is it too late to bring us back to life”_ **

And then all the boys joined in to sing with me:

**_“When I close my eyes and try to sleep_ **

**_I fall apart, I find it hard to breathe_ **

**_You're the reason, the only reason_ **

**_Even though my dizzy head is numb,_ **

**_I swear my heart is never giving up_ **

**_You're the reason, the only reason”_ **

The show was over before I knew it, and I was sweating like hell when I got off stage. I hugged my bandmates and received a lot of ‘good job’ ‘you killed it’ ‘you were amazing’. The whole stage today was amazing, but it felt really good to finally sing a song I wrote live. It’s been nice singing songs Hendery and Winwin wrote, especially since they were pretty kickass songs but seeing something you’ve put a lot of effort and thought into being played in front of thousands of people and perceived well, my god that hits different.

“We are still on our date right?” Hendery said as we were walking back to the dressing room, I looked over at him and he had that same lopsided smile I grew to love. I wanted to cup his face right there and then and kiss him. 

“Yeah of course,” I breathed out as we got into the dressing room and started drying ourselves. We were soon joined by the boys, and as I was removing my makeup in front of the mirror. Hendery started undressing in the back and I couldn’t help but follow every single move he made with my eyes in the mirror.

Yangyang giggled and whispered into my ears, “You’re drooling, Jun.” I looked up at him and he winked. Was it that obvious? Damn, I’m not as slick as I thought I was. It was obvious I found Hendery attractive, everyone knew; my bandmates, my mom, and even my fans. But what they didn’t know is how much I like him. I liked him so much it was starting to creep the living shit out of me.

A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts and it was Ten, he peeked his head from the door. “Xiaojun, your mom is here.” And behind him stood, a petite woman. I smiled at her as she gave me a smile I never saw before.

She tiptoed so she was able to hug me. “I’m sweaty,” I grunted, as she hugged me so tightly. She never hugged me like this before, not that I remembered. She then stood back and brushed her thin fingers on my face.

“I’m so proud of you, son!” She spoke with tears in her eyes. I kissed her on her cheek and then turned to my bandmates.

“Guys, meet mom! Mom meet the guys!” I waved my hand at them and they all came to introduce themselves. Hendery was the last, and she looked at me before hugging him. It was nice to see them meeting, it was like two worlds colliding. 

“I’ve heard so much about you.” My mom said to Hendery and I suddenly blushed out of nowhere. “You guys were amazing out there. You should’ve seen what it was like in the crowd. People were going crazy.” 

My mom kept chit-chatting with the guys and especially Hendery as I sat back and observed. Seeing how gentle he was with her, reminded me of the beginning of my relationship with Nate. And the first time he met her. I felt a sudden clutch on my heart when I thought about him. Gosh, this isn’t easy at all.

\-----------------------

“It’s just always been her and me, you know? I don’t know a world without her.” I sighed as I laid on Hendery’s lap. After grabbing dinner at a fancy restaurant, he drove us to the beach and we kept walking until we were tired enough to sit on the shore. I laid my head on his lap as he played with my hair. 

“She’s lucky to have you.” He pressed a kiss on my forehead. “I’m lucky to have you.” I smiled at his soft voice. It sent tingles down my spine. We kept staring at each other even though it was complete darkness. But I still can see his eyes and his lips. I didn’t want a minute to pass without me not enjoying this. 

“I missed you,” I said out of nowhere. “I thought I lost you.”

He brushed my hair out of my face. “Oh baby, you’re never going to lose me.” It felt nice to hear that, but I didn’t know how much I could trust that. Nate has always said over and over and over again, yet every time he goes back to Spain. I lose him. 

“I want to say something, but I don’t want to scare you,” Hendery said sitting me up. I was confused, it seemed serious and there was a tone in his voice I never heard before. I sat up and crossed my legs facing him. “I think...I’m falling in love with you.” 

I gapped as I processed the words I just heard. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It felt nice to hear that he didn’t hate me. But  _ ‘falling in love’ _ is a whole other thing. “Listen, Jun. You don’t have to say it back. Because I don’t care if you don’t feel the same. I just had to tell you. And I know you love Nate and wouldn’t trade him-” I stopped him mid-speech and grabbed the back of his neck and kissed him. 


End file.
